An Honest and Surrendered Will

God, I am sitting here… reading Your word… praying… listening… thinking on (selah)… a message that I am trying to write for you and those who will read… a post to let them know if they do not hear from me, or I am slow to respond, or accidentally miss a message that I am healing from a new procedure done just yesterday. Yet even while trying to inform about this RFA (Radio-Frequency Ablation) done to my right side this time and will be done to my left side in 2 weeks, I want to make sure this stays about You.

Yes it is to inform my friends and community that I am in a great deal of pain, struggling to walk, to sit, to stand, and sometimes get on the computer, so please be patient with me with responding. The wall, my claw walker, my heat/ice wrap, my chair You blessed me with from the ladies in my bible study are dear friends to me right now as I need them to get through this. But in even in all this pain, Lord, I know You do nothing by accident. The hope of these procedures is to eliminate (or at least alleviate) back pain that goes into my legs, that is excruciating pretty quickly when standing for more than 5 or 10 minutes. To relieve nerves in the lumbar and sacrum area that are being encroached upon. They burned these nerves for two minutes. I can’t help but think of Your word.

Burning… for purification… tried in the fire.. to let patience have her perfect work… that I may be perfect and entire… wanting nothing.

“My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” – James 1:2-4 AKJV

Are You burning my physical nerves to purify my spiritual nerves? Are You walking me through my fiery furnace to emphasize coming though without even the smell of smoke on them? I particularly thought of the latter because for several hours after the procedure because when I would use the bathroom I would smell something burnt, something hot, like burned wires or overheated electronics. It took me several hours to realize it was me.

I may have smelled smoke from the burning that took place for 2 minutes on my physical body, but it is my spirit that You emphasize You have walked with throughout my life, and have brought me through without even a smell of that past. Only through testimony to You does anyone ever know. And even though those details be horrific, filthy, violent, evil, and vile… through Your mercy, salvation, grace, rescue and reconciliation… through restoration it is all… only love! My love for you! Your love for me! Unconditionally! No matter what.

Even when my human mind goes through normal cycles of doubt, fear, shame, and guilt that has long been saturated with Your Son’s blood… You see, hear, and KNOW my love for You is unshakable, unwavering, and unconditional! Just the way You taught me! Through the very love You share with me.

So while I heal through another unfamiliarity, pray for relief from unwanted pain, and hope for healing even where they have used words like chronic, permanent, and nothing they can do… I KNOW YOU CAN! And while I know You can, I recognize Your Sovereignty, Your Authority, and Your Will. Just as Jesus asked You in the garden to remove His cup from Him if it were possible, I ask for all of the healing, restoration, and relief from pain that You will allow. And just like Jesus I leave my trust in Your hands because only You know the plans You have for me. Only You know who is witnessing my battle, my pain, my surrender to Your will for their own journey of faith.

Some may call me resigned, getting in the way of my own healing, lacking faith and thereby causing my own problems. But I know that is not the God You are. My sins are no match for Your blood and therefore I am forgiven. And surrendering even my health to Your will is not lacking faith, it is quite the opposite. I am not a hero or some kind of pain warrior. I cannot promise a testimony without tears, fears, depression, or the many things the world promises me from being Yours. I am after all still human, just as Jesus was while still in human flesh.

But I know that You promise my weakness makes Your strength perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9) , and that I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). You promise to be with me (Psalm 16:8). And that You do care about my pain (1 Peter 5:7). I know You do! I believe You. And that is a great part of my strength. It all comes down to You! The Father who saw His only begotten Son come to Him 3 different times to pray in agony, yet ALWAYS trusting in His Father’s will. Help me to always keep my mind on Your will, and my trust into Your hands (Isaiah 26:3). As the psalmist penned,

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

In Jesus’ name I pray and trust because He has left me an example like none other…
an honest and surrendered will to the Heavenly Father! ❤ Amen!

A Refuge At All Times

“Trust in Him at all times; ye people,
pour out your heart before Him:

God is a refuge for us. Selah.”
– Psalm 62:8 KJV

How many times have I asked You, What shall I blog? Is there anything You want me to write? Anything that wouldn’t insult You, disgrace You, shame You? All the while something was choking the life right out of my chest? Too easily I dismissed it as “Well that’s between You and me… and doesn’t need to be broadcast to the world… only to bring them down… to depress them… or bring negativity… because it wasn’t something positive… it was honest… but it seemed so dishonoring to You.” And then You so loving remind me with Psalm 62:8 that is exactly how this blog began!

You designed a place for me to go and pour my heart out before You on this private blog called gaillovesgod because I was suffocating not being able to write to You. I couldn’t do this at home because of eyes that kept looking for my privately written thoughts to use them against me…. to intentionally come between You and me. A year later, You led me to encourage a friend who was doing a challenge by taking part in that challenge. In doing so, You led me to trust You in opening my site to be Public while doing that challenge. This challenge was to post 30 Truth Aspects about myself that others rarely knew. In obeying, You completely took me by surprise.

Others would comment on how encouraged they were, how they saw my love for You, saw Your love in my life, and either had or were going through the same things. I met so many friends all over the world… some just as in love with You… some with good reasons not to care for love at all… giving or receiving. Many are just consumed with the things we cannot avoid in human life, as Your Son very well knows.

Anxiety, depression, mental illness,
chronic illness, violence, death, filth.

Just because we are Christian does not mean we are immune from these realities of life. And just because some does not know or care that God loves them does not mean we are not to love one another and bear one another’s burdens. No one enjoys pain and suffering. You love ALL Your children.

For so many months I have avoided sharing the pain, the doctor visits, the many things that have added to my depression being so much worse lately. I read so many friends pouring their heart out to You, saying they feel alone, and suddenly I am convicted of neglecting You. Before I can get a chance to at least respond to them, life interferes and my depression persuades me I am my own evidence for why I don’t matter.

Many days I cannot write because of my health. Many days I cannot write because of circumstances. Some days the conversations of debating what to write and what does it matter goes on for so long that time and energy win out. But there are days it’s sheer neglect. If it weren’t for Facebook memories of verses and hymns, I would have been absent for several months. Please forgive me, Lord.

Sometimes You do call me away from the computer for time with You. Sometimes I am simply hiding under a sheltered wing that is allowing the rays to shine in, patiently waiting for me to notice the warmth of the sun, raise my weary head, and trust His loving nudge to be a part of living creation.

Thank You for reminding me of 5 good reasons to write what’s on my heart:

  1. For my testimony to show I TRUST You at ALL times!
  2. You WANT me to pour out my heart to You… everything!
  3. You are a refuge for everything that lays on my heart!
  4. You are a refuge for US… we need to know someone else has been there or currently is… right when we need it most.
  5. Everyone needs to hear God loves you!

And never let me forget SELAH! (THINK ON THIS). How much richer our lives would be if we would take time to remember Selah is not just a word. It is an invaluable moment of reflection on what You have given us to read, to act on, to sometimes avoid, to live. Thank You for giving me a moment of Selah now.

Thank You, God, for Your Word, Your mercy, Your grace, Your salvation, Your heart, Your love, Your patience, Your all! I love You! May gaillovesgod and gaillovesgodspoetry always honor You and do YOUR will, not mine!

How Deep the Father’s Love For Us

How deep the Father’s love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

How Deep the Father’s Love For Us
sung by Selah, lyrics written by Stuart Townend

Father. How deep Your love is for me. The words are so hard to find. I am so unworthy of You. I am blessed to be Your daughter. I am doubly blessed to call You Abba Father. Thank You for who You are, and for what You did through Your Son for me. Because You gave, I have received! I know what it’s like to long to have Your child home. I am so glad that Jesus is at Home with You now! And that I will be too! Soon and very soon! ❤