Rachel & Leah Bible Study: Night 5 of 6 (Follow Up)

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Whew! Lord, am I so glad You are in my camp! Thank You! Some days it seems this exhaustion just gets worse, and that’s with me doing nothing but sleeping as much as I can! I am especially glad You were with me this week as the doctors are trying to help Bobby with his struggling to breathe. Unexpected appointments, quickly carrying equipment back and forth, having to run back to the car so many times because it was so warm I left my jacket in the car, but everything is my jacket because I just can’t carry everything, so I leave my purse in the car.

A lot of those places Bobby was waiting in the car during my appointments or getting something they say he needs, but it’s so hot he got out of the car. Honestly, I usually have to go find him if he did not go in with me somewhere with me to begin with. I typically find him leaving smiles on faces on those who are so patiently allowing him to wait in their lobbies. They love that he’s 85… short… and so friendly. I always hear the words… cute… and sweet.

How does any of this have to do with the study from this week… Her Gain Is Not Your Loss? You know, Lord? This is far from a rant or complaining. It’s every bit of praise to You! I know we still have the rest of the week to go, but that’s why You’ve been giving me so much sleep! I have no idea why I’m waking up as though I could go right back to sleep for a couple of years, even when I sleep night and day, but I surely love the peaceful feeling it gives. I am so numb, and in a fog. Sometimes it keeps me from stressing because I cannot remember anything other than that very second, and all I can feel is… whew… so grateful to have got what felt like 3 or 4 moments of sleep (that was 6, 10, or 12 hours)… or whew… feeling so tired I wished I could just lay back down and sleep my life away.

IMG_20190408_081103I will admit one thing I have tried to avoid bringing into this study is the battle that seems to go on between me and my sister. I figured because I did not compare myself to her, nor envy her, not begrudge, her, that I really didn’t see my need for this study. I love my sister. Unfortunately she does want to argue with me, accuse me, turn everything into a competition, and hates for me to have confidence because she believes I am saying I think I am better than she is. I was convinced mentioning anything would be me speaking ill of my sister. But this week really showed me something about comparison… and me.

My sister struggles to rejoice with me because she feels like it means something towards her. And if she sees my tears, she is either quickly cruel to say things like “You’re not actually crying are you?” or she will leave the room or make some kind of get away with the clear intention that I watch her do it. She has told me all of these things and more. This has happened for so long along with me trying so hard to figure out why or how I send these messages to her. I try so hard to get into her head to avoid this, that I unknowingly start to compare myself… thinking less of myself.

IMG_20190408_081143Day One: Facing Insecurity
Facing insecurity is a great way to describe comparison because even if I do not think I am better than someone else, God, You don’t want me thinking less of who You made me to be. I am not suppose to allow my mind to doubt, and worry, and take blame where there is no need for it. If I am saying something needs change or I am not good enough that is a silent form of pity and not accepting who I am in You. I may not mean to, I may even be pushed into it, but only You can say I belong wherever I am, know exactly what trials You do or do not want to walk me through, and why You need… want my confidence… in YOU!

IMG_20190408_081229Day Two: Desperate Desires:
Lord, while I wrote You a note in the book about being glad You allowed me to finally come home, when I read those two words… desperate desires... how can I not think of my health. And when I read that instruction You gave to “Go back to the land of your fathers and to your family, and I will be with you,” I can’t help but think of yesteryears when my desperate desires were to go home… night after night. While I never thought it would happen, You answered those prayers. I know You hear my prayers now, and are teaching me to accept and live my new normal, trusting the one who designed it.

 

IMG_20190408_093058Day Three: Leaving Laban
How many times in my life have You led me away from Laban, and Laban being my family too. It’s hard leaving people you love and are supposed to be able to live together in trust and helping one another… rejoice as they rejoice, and weep as they weep. I remember how hard that was to do with a little one, and several times through his childhood, up through college… all to follow You, and live as You teach. It’s amazing how six people can grow through life together under the same roof (most of the time) while living six different lives, but that was us.

IMG_20190408_081556Day Four: Comparison’s High Cost
You are absolutely wise to warn of the high cost of comparison because that is exactly what it does. It costs us the relationships with those we are comparing ourselves to, even if the only one we are comparing to or about is our self. Laban comparing himself to Jacob cost him the relationship he first enjoyed with him, and it cost him his daughters, and all of his family. Rachel and Leah paid the high cost of not being able to rejoice in the birth of each other’s children, and robbed them of the ability to console one another on loss. It cost them a relationship as a sister to the other. The comparison my sister insists on, and my comparison to lessen and blame myself continues to cost us and our family. And it’s so sad because we really need each other, just as Rachel and Leah needed each other. But You knew it would not be their path. Sometimes the only way we avoid the cost of a relationship with You is in abandonment of all and who we know, or be abandoned by them.

IMG_20190408_082725Day Five: You Be You
There was another pop quiz at the end. Sometime these tests are hard to answer because it forces to choose answers that are KIND of what you would say. For example question one was answered by what usually happens. When a bunch of strangers get together (especially with kids) it is one loud activity that usually comes in the form of questions… Do you go here? How long have you been here? Which one’s yours? Question two would not be about coffee because I don’t even like coffee. Yuck! 

IMG_20190408_082810Question three was answered with fear of not knowing where we’re going, and being used to being the one who gets the directions and visits through Google earth before our family goes anywhere. Question four I would actually sit anywhere, including the front. I actually prefer it. I can see and hear better, and am less distracted from“comparing everything and everyone.” I am too busy praying for those singing and preaching. That takes a lot of faith. Question five is pretty much the same as three, trying to combat fear of the unknown.

IMG_20190408_082841Results:
I came out tying with Mostly 2s, You’re excited about unseen work.
Ironically, thought the tests are opposite of how I think I answered, the result is right in that I am excited about unseen work. How crazy is that to be afraid of people, yet loving working in their lives… wanting them to know God loves them?

The other I tied with was Mostly 5s, You’re excited about new relationships.
How crazy is that!! It’s so true, yet I am always so afraid of people! I want to love them as God says. I so want them to know God’s love and have their own personal relationship with Him, but I can literally be so terrified of people. Even the ladies of this study, as much as I love them as dear sisters in Christ. Yet God says that’s excitement for new relationships??

This study is coming to an end, but its affect and teaching will still be going on for as long as God sees fit. And that’s a good thing. He always is! ❤

The key thing He has taught me is that
comparison is a battle with self.
If I fix my mind on Him,
I will dwell less on me.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;
and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him,
and he shall direct thy paths.”

– Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee:
because he trusteth in thee.”
– Isaiah 26:3 KJV

Rachel & Leah Bible Study: Night 4 of 6 (Follow Up)

IMG_20190324_153406What a challenge Week Four has been, Lord, with this study.
But one worth taking no matter what!
Thank You for bringing me along! ❤

IMG_20190330_134706Truth Four:
You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong
.
That’s a powerful statement.

From the moment I left the study and went to our familiar “quiet”place, I was completely… stuck! Completely in another world. It felt like there was this looming cloud following me, ready to burst this shower of love all over me, but I couldn’t see or feel past this gripping fear of familiar darkness that always causes me to feel like I’m struggling to breathe.

I knew this statement was regarding Leah and Rachel, and Jacob. And we were to consider them, as well as the handmaids. But we were also to consider the comparison from a personal point of view. That hit way too close to home, as all of the studies have done since the one we did written by Lisa Harper on Job. Lord, You have been dealing so closely with me, but I do not know what to do with it. You and I both know there are some things that can never be told. Some have already been confessed, as a part of my testimony. But we all have things that must go to the grave with us. To deal with such personal things on an emotional level! Personal pain open to others! 

Physical pain itself has been a lifelong distraction from the emotional pain. I grew up being told we all need to avoid being so emotional. I have been told by numerous professionals and tests that I am a rationalist. My family and friends have always been annoyed with how I am always safety minded.

Now our world says we need to open up. You brought me out from the world, and taught me how to follow You! No one else! No other belief! Your Word! Your Will! Your Way! Yet You have personally been bringing such deep and painful things forth to deal with, to share, and to heal. Yet You also know I am at a loss on HOW, WHAT, WHY. The only thing I have a clue on is Your constant encouragement through those who comment on how my writing/poetry helps them, encourages them, especially the raw truth, the honest, and most of all my constant love for You DESPITE all that has been.

I can easily see why I love You so much. I can easily remember what You have brought me through. But I thought we were at a point where it was all about telling them You love them too! I don’t know how to go any deeper. And quite frankly, I am scared too. Being told something like I didn’t do anything wrong feels so foreign. It’s like when I experience someone’s kindness to me, especially when I did nothing to earn it. I try to figure out why. And it blows my mind that it was just because.

SO anyway… before I take up any more space on this follow up.

Day One was Soul Dysfunction
My daily morning prayer to you, ” Lord, help me not to cling to anyone or anything so much that I would let it determine the worth of my life. Let me put nothing above You. Help me to trust You in all things, including my disappointments. Open my eyes to any secret sins, and help me to rely on Your strength. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Day Two was There’s A Winner
My daily morning prayer to you, “Lord, help me discern between when I am to wrestle, and when I am to rest in You and trust You are wrestling for me. Help me not to be carelessly high minded in my own self wisdom. Help me not to judge others. And help me to celebrate with those who have cause to celebrate what You have done or allowed. Help me not to get caught up in the war of comparison. It is an ugly battle with ourselves.”

Day Three was The Overthinkers
My daily morning prayer to You, “Lord, I am broken for Leah, yet disappointed in her too. Of all things, she had 4 pure blooded sons with Jacob. And they would always be Jacob’s blood sons and always older than any children Rachel or any maids had with him. Jealousy brought two more women into the bedroom, and into Jacob’ bed.”

Day Four was Manipulation Mandrakes
My daily morning prayer to You. “Lord, help me to not have a manipulating spirit. Help me to be honest, fair, and loving. Help me to remember that though the wrong seems oft so strong, You are the ruler yet. This Is My Father’s World. <3

Day Five was You Be You
Another one of those quizzes.
I was MOSTLY 3s… More Than A Conqueror
“Life is challenging, but you are a steadfast fighter. Keep showing up for battle and putting on the armour of God. You know how the story ends! God’s got this!”

I get to praise You too, for the answered prayer of trying to finding Anthoni’s spare key to his car.Yay it was in the bigger coat pocket. Thank You, God!0404190525

I finished my antibiotic for a sinus infection. Less Meds!IMG_20190330_140903

I finish with a song to Thank You for all You do! ❤

Though Your love I have learned I didn’t do anything wrong

When I had tailbone injuries at 3, 10, and 12.
When I woke up unable to walk at 12.
When evil forced itself on a 3 yr old.
When evil turned from a moment to years.
When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 22.
When my leg popped and never completely popped back in.
When I was riding in a vehicle that hit a telephone pole.
When I was riding in a vehicle that slammed into another.
When I was riding in a car that slammed our heads into a rock wall.
When I was tricked into to foster care at 9.
When I trusted authority figures.
When my wrist was crushed at 9.
When my other wrist was jammed at 9.
When no was not taken for an answer… too many times.
When screaming and fighting for my life served no purpose.
When I gave my heart, soul, and life to You! ❤
When I trusted You in continuing to trust people can be good.
When I Turned My Eyes Upon Jesus and looked full in His wonderful face! ❤
When I finally told someone about the sexual abuse just shy of 18.
When I was pushed to the floor and my T1 area rammed into the back of my head.
When I was baptized at 8.
When I kept trying to find a counselor I could trust.
When I refused to have an abortion at 18.
When I took care of my dying mother…
even when doctors warned my health would permanently pay for it.
When I was diagnosed with Lymphedema and Lipedema.
When I went to church even as a single mom.
When I gave up ALL relationships that come between You and me, Lord.
When I gave up ALL friendships that come between You and me, Lord.
When I entered into the best relationship I have ever had in my life with You!
When I wrote this long list of things Satan and the world has tried to convict me of, or continues to try to convict me of, and despite worrying it might be too long, it’s not near long enough, and some things are to remain between You and I!
You understand, God! How grateful I am.

Help me to remember Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;
and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him,
and he shall direct thy paths.”

and 1 John 3:20
“For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart,
and knoweth all things.”

 

Tribulation: Life Dramatically Changed

gaillovesgodspoetry

Little girl. Authority figure. Life dramatically changed.
Life of innocence. Ugly Evil. Traumatically deranged.
Battle scars. Wounded thoughts. Walls that were not there.
Fear and dread. Guilt and shame. Heavy burdens to bear.
Loving King. Roaring Lion. Armor for the Soldier.
Sword and shield to fight the war. A pair of arms to hold her.
We’re warned in John 16:33 there shall be tribulation.
Be of good cheer, He has overcome. There is cause for celebration!
The snake will hiss, and sometimes bite. The scorpion will sting.
The dove will cover with shelter and comfort in His loving snowy wing.

3.2.2019 Saturday
Written by Gail Brookshire

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30 Posts Challenge: #1 Introducing Myself

**originally posted 6.13.17**
(While I have been sharing the posts that I began with on this blog, this post was actually the first one I went public with. The Lord was leading me to encourage a dear friend, all the while using her to encourage me.)
That’s our God! ❤

gaillovesgod

Hi, my name is Gail. You should know that if you’re reading this, but it goes with the purpose of this blog post. I have accepted a 30 posts Challenge from a friend to share different aspects about myself. So as I embark on that challenge on a blog page I already have, I open the access to the page (during the challenge), and to me… and the most important thing you should ever know about me… gaillovesgod!
Being open is actually pretty nerve wracking to me, as I am a private person. I always make sure to tell everyone it is not about me. It’s all about my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Yes I am very sociable at times, but there are several people who are frustrated to this day because they have yet to hear a word from me despite hours of class, church, or spending hours…

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Don’t Even Consider It (Originally Posted 5.26.16)

**Originally posted 5.26.16**

gaillovesgod

Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. – Isaiah 43:18 KJV

Good late afternoon. I’ve been trying to read with God, although the hours brought many distractions. As I was thinking how things are so different since so many family and friends have died, little pieces of the past kept emerging in physical form. There were memories, notes, and legal documents. This all while even my reading was on… the past.

God used to communicate to us through our fathers and the prophets, but now he speaks to us through his son Jesus Christ.
God, who at sundry times and in divers manners spake in time past unto the fathers by the prophets, Hath in these last days spoken unto us by his Son, whom he hath appointed heir of all things, by whom also he made the worlds” – Hebrews 1:1-2 KJV.
There is hope in…

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