Losing… It!

I’m losing… it. The storehouse of faces I’ve loved. Those voices I once heard whispered in my ear. Those unmistakable laughs. Those unforgettable moments I was dying to tell. Those corny jokes told again and again, but I loved the one telling them. Those little arms that came along with little smiles and wide eyes. Those exciting and luring moments that seemed too hot to forget. And all of those things that made me who I am… by knowing who I am… and knowing who I am not. Memory. That’s my it. So when I say I am losing… it, I am not joking. I am losing… my memories. I am losing… me.

It sounds so selfish to say it like that. But, Lord, how can it be selfish to be concerned about my heath. It’s not healthy to lose everything you have done in me to make me who I am. I am going to lose all of that as well. I am losing the verses, the hymns, the parables, the commandments, and the beautiful love letter your Son left us in the book of John. Worst of all, I am losing everything I know about you, your Son, and your Holy Spirit. My reason for living.

My friends used to call me “human rewind”. I was the one who remembered birthdays, anniversaries, and even phone numbers and addresses long before cellphones. I could verbally playback songs, note for note, ooh ah for ooh ah. I made extra money on jobs because of articulation, pronunciation, accentuation, and remembering the details of products, customers, and all sorts of info. I was given leadership roles in work and college organizing resources of information because I had pleasure (really a need) to keep things in some form of order for immediate access.

By your grace, I memorized countless bible verses, even chapters. You allowed me to memorize the whole book of James. I knew the ten commandments fully. I knew the books of the bible, new and old, in chronological order. I learned so many hymns, in their entirety, not just their popularity. I was asked by church to do a writing ministry because I was already sending cards for birthdays, anniversaries, new babies, weddings, graduations, get wells, and just because. They offered to keep me in supply of stamps, cards, and whatever I needed as they handed me a directory and told me to let them know whenever I found mistakes.

Now… now I’m lucky if I can finish a conversation without fumbling, or rambling, forgetting, or sounding like the high school drop out I was (my high school teacher, who was teacher of the year with NCAE and our school several years running, urged me to quit school to get my G.E.D. and go on into college in fear I was getting bored with school), or a nervous rambling wreck unable to at least keep my focus on topic. I find it extremely hard to remember the simplest of things if they’re not written down. Even then, I have to remember they’re written down already, or at least put a note where I hope I will see it. And my editorial skills, well they speak for themselves.

Friends and family are hurt that I cannot remember their special days, even more by my asking them to write it down… again… and again. They are offended by my writing the same notes I have written again and again over very personal matters, some that they only entrusted to me. They ask me not to write any more. I have not been the one who everyone comes to for everything for quite some time. They no longer trust my wisdom, my confidentiality, or my ability to be genuine.

Most days, I am struggling with medications… having to take them, having to trust them, and having to be careful of them. A couple of years ago I only had a couple of prescriptions to take as needed, which wasn’t often. Now I take 9 to 11 on a daily basis. Some I take more than once a day. I have to be careful discussing this because we have family/friends we have to hide meds from. So I have to hide them and remember. I have to write down what I take so I can remember when they’re due, and catch myself before I accidentally take meds on top of each other, and sometimes when I have already taken them again it gives me a window of time… to know when I’ll be ok. As long as I get to write these things down, it helps.

Lord, it’s hard. It’s scary. It’s depressing. It makes it easy to give up, especially when I see the hurt I put on a face, or when I disappoint those I love, and I mean disappointment that sticks for life, the kind I know from my own personal experience, and to know there’s nothing I can do about it. On top of this, losses in my life and my family have been many and continue. The people who once asked me to let them help, or asked me to be their help are not here to vouch for what I’m like, what I eat, what I’m allergic to, what health issues I have, or anything else that I will eventually have no control over. My life will be at the mercy of strangers. All I can do is pray they are your strangers, with your wisdom, your compassion, and your favor.

How does all of this feel? That’s all anyone ever wants to know. Didn’t I just say that… hard, scary, depressing, easy to give up, helpless, hopeless, disappointing, lonely, frustrated, and there’s nothing I can do… but pray. And I do.

 

Spiritual Warfare on Medication: Response

Lord! You never cease to amaze me! You continue to delightfully surprise and reassure me! First, you surprised me with Lene (aka LeneinJapan) posting the article Love of my Life – I am His Song that she invited me to quest write on her website Song of Virginity.

Then, after I was talking with you last night about being weak with fear and uncertainty, doubtful of your peace with my brain being medicated. In my post Spiritual Warfare on Medication, I was afraid I made you look bad for my fear to paralyze me regardless of medication, and even while I am your child. I was so concerned you were upset with me, or at least disappointed. Yet by your grace and in your strength, I chose to look to you and trust your promises of unfailing love. I fell asleep listening to your word in song, and I awakened to such a beautiful and loving response! ❤

RELAX IN MY EVERLASTING ARMS. Your weakness is an opportunity to grow strong in awareness of My Almighty Presence. When your energy fails you, do not look inward and lament the lack you find there. Look to Me and My sufficiency; rejoice in My radiant riches that are abundantly available to help you.
Go gently through this day, leaning on Me and enjoying My Presence. Thank Me for your neediness, which is building trust-bonds between us. If you look back on your journey thus far, you can see that days of extreme weakness have been some of your most precious times. Memories of these days are richly interwoven with golden strands of My intimate Presence.”
Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence, September 27, p.282

You are not disappointed! You do not scold! You lovingly instruct me, and assure me I did right by turning my eyes upon you! You tenderly tell me relax  by Leaning on Your Everlasting Arms! ❤

The eternal God is thy refuge,
and underneath are the everlasting arms:
and he shall thrust out the enemy from before thee;
and shall say, Destroy them.
– Deuteronomy 33:27 KJV

You tell me my weakness and failing energy are opportunities for me to be aware of your presence. You tell me instead of lamenting on what I lack to rejoice in your abundant riches that are available to help! Those riches are my doctors! My medication! Therapy! And of course, your presence! Your strength!

You tell me to thank you for my neediness because it builds trust between us. Thank you for thinking I am worth spending that time with and sharing trust, even in weakness. You are right that it has been in my days of extreme weakness that I have had some of the most precious times with you!  Your word tells me that when I do not know understand my fear, nor know what to pray that the Holy Spirit in praying on my behalf.

Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. – Romans 8:26 KJV

You tell me you know how I felt hopeless without you, and that I was wise to keep circling my problem as Joshua did the wall of Jericho, and wise to wait upon you.

I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart:
wait, I say, on the Lord. – Psalm 27:13-14 KJV

Thank you for being so personal, for your blessed assurance! Thank you for the doctors, medicines, and therapies. I pray for each one you use in my life. Bless them, Lord.
So now I am off to go gentle into another day, leaning on you your everlasting arms and rejoicing in your presence. ❤ I love you, Lord! ❤ And always will! ❤