My New Journal With You, Note 10

**Verses are inserted exactly where God had them placed in my new journal at the bottom of each page. I love how personal He is! **

Good morning, Lord. How are You? I pray You are smiling and happy. I know we give You plenty of reason not to, but my hope takes shelter in knowing You are the God of peace, the God of joy, and that You are able to rejoice, even when we are not. You are where we find our strength to experience joy so that we can rejoice in You! Praise Holy and Jubilant name. The God who loves His children, and loves to see them smile. You are the reason for joy. Therefore my mind recalls and states itself while proclaiming aloud to You… “This is the day the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.” 🙂 ❤

You are my smile, Father! ❤ You are my joy. Therefore I know You are there, even when my mind betrays me. You know what it’s like to be betrayed, even by Your mind. Your suffering in the garden was that human flesh torturing You long before the cross itself did so cruelly. Your flesh tortured Your mind, just like our flesh tortures our mind. We too hit our knees

“Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. “
– Hebrews 12:1-2 KJV

and cry out to our God… our Father who lovingly and patiently waits with compassion, mercy, and grace as He sends His angels to minister. He is our Great Counsel, our Great Physician, our Father God who cares for us. He is grieved with all that we are grieved with because He cares that we grieve.

Just as He was with You, Jesus, and quickened Your Spirit, He will quicken our spirit with His presence. The healing power of the presence of God. His name alone can heal all things. I love You, Father God! I love You my sweet and precious Jesus! My Savior and Friend! ❤ I love You, Holy Spirit! Thank You for any insight to my Lord and Savior, and our Heavenly Father.

Blessed Be the Name of the LORD! ❤

“Delight thyself also in the Lord;
and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”
– Psalm 37:4 KJV

PS… Lord, I LOVE how Your verses always address exactly what I am talking to You about, but from Your wisdom of what I need. You are so personal! ❤

Crying for the Broken Child


Good morning, my Beautiful Lord! My Loving and Personal Father! ❤
You and I began this day with crying unto You with things laying heavy on my heart, so heavy I did not even recognize them there. And while they could have been offensive and insulting, You were so tender to send me strong and clear messages of Love, Presence, Prayer, and You!

As I was praying to You about some honest emotions I had going on… anger towards those who are hurting other human beings in Human Trafficking, Domestic Violence, Sexual Assaults, and just pure evil… especially on children… I was broken. I was honest with You about the anger that I felt. Anger that brought me to tears. Anger and a broken heart that burdened me so heavily. Feeling so hopeless in not being able to stop it. Knowing it was only in Your power to do so. Yet remembering the free will You give us each.

In those moments, Satan was trying to fill me with unjust accusations toward You, and how little You seemed to care… about what is happening to the children, and the little girl I was at 3 years old. I knew He was wrong. I even told You so. But the words I have heard the world say so often kept trying to accuse You too. While I could not answer those questions of why, nor pretend to have the answers for something ONLY You will ever know, the anger and the pain that kept going back and forth eventually revealed to me that some of that pain was my own brokenness that seemed so long ago.

Feeling that pain kept Satan trying to accuse You, and caused that little girl’s memory of the pain and confusion to feel like we were still in the middle of it all. Sometimes that question the world throws at us about You caring, and where were You when we needed You can be pretty persuasive when that father of lies (Satan) causes such a heaviness from the cloudy visions of long ago. The distance of those years can make them feel like centuries ago, but the pain too easily brings shame, confusion, and sense of not mattering enough to allow any emotion. Emotion just annoys me. What good would it do? Nobody can do anything about it. And before I can get those next words out of my mind (Who cares?), Satan chimes in again with, “Yeah, who cares? We know He doesn’t.”

But I state to Him and You both that I know You do. I can’t explain why things are allowed to happen, but I know You are good, and You care! I even hear You say to me, “I care.” I know You do. But as soon as I even start to think of feeling any peace, my heart is broken for those who are not old enough to look back… with the freedom to be out of their situations… who will die in their environment, thrown away like trash, no one ever knowing, or caring. I cry so hard.

“Lord, I hurt so much for them! I can’t help them. No one has the power to do anything to put a stop to all of it but You. No one cares about them. Some of them have been snatched so young that no one knows who they are and what happened to them. No one ever will! It’s so horrible! So sad! No one cares! I know You do, but why does another human being ever want to do such things! I know the psychological answers the world gives, but it’s not enough! People shouldn’t be able to find sexual pleasure from doing horrible things to another human being… especially children!! It breaks my heart!”

I keep crying… hard. When I cry that hard I can feel it… that emotion from that little girl inside of me that I deprive of that emotion because it feels so pointless, and I don’t recall feeling it then. I was too numb to feel anything in life. But I hear You telling me… “It’s not pointless. Be honest… with Me… and with Yourself. Your pain matters to Me too! Even when You convince yourself it doesn’t matter to You. It does to me.”

You bring my attention to the time. It’s after midnight. The devotional for the new day is ready on YouVersion. I take the time to go and prepare to sit with You, still finding it hard not to cry sometimes. But I am determined to show You I trust You… and believe You care!

What is the first thing I read?

WELCOME
Where are you hurting? Today, we’re going to learn that God brings healing and comfort. As we begin, enter into a time of silence before God.

Keep silent. That’s absolutely what I choose to do because I am also afraid to offend You, to anger You. Yes I am to be honest with You, but I am also to reverent with You, remembering that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge. I keep reading. You keep pouring out Your love!

SCRIPTURE
He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.
– Psalm 147:3 KJV

I know You are in this message. I know You are wanting to focus on continuing to be honest. Trusting YOU, not the voices in my head.

REFLECT
In what area of your life do you need to experience God’s healing?
a) I need healing from emotional trauma.
b) I need physical healing.
c) I need spiritual renewal.

While the answer is really all 3, You I both know I ALWAYS make sure to pray for the spiritual renewal. In the last several years, I can’t get away from the need for physical healing. But You have made this clear…. it’s the trauma… and not just the physical trauma… but the emotional trauma that I can not even find value in. I need healing from emotional trauma.

DEVOTIONAL
Day 3: You are wanted.
(Taken from the Haven’t Seen It Yet 5 Day Devotional Series By Danny Gokey)

Wanted?? Do I feel unwanted, Lord?? I know this is You, and You are being very direct, very personal, and very detailed. Wanted?? You tell me to be patient and keep reading.

When I was writing the song “Wanted,” my co-writer was going through a difficult time. He had been praying about a specific situation that happened when he was younger. No matter how hard he prayed, he couldn’t seem to get past this incident from his childhood. He even had a bunch of friends praying for him, but he still felt the impact of the event on his life. He was praying for freedom from the past because it was holding him back from all the good things God had planned for him in the present.

Finally, one day while he was praying, God gave him a powerful picture. God took him back to the place of this traumatic event; but this time, my friend saw Jesus standing on the side of the room. Then He walked over and told my friend, “I was there the day you lost your heart, and now I’m giving it back to you.” Then Jesus handed him his heart, but it wasn’t broken, it was healed and whole.

We wrote the song “Wanted” for anyone, like my friend, who’s been wounded by circumstances beyond their control. You can be assured that the God who holds the universe in His hands is holding your heart He takes great care with it, because He wants you more than you could ever know.

The first verse of “Wanted” says, “I was there the moment it happened, but you couldn’t see Me through the pain. I caught every tear as they were falling, when you lost your heart that day.” The chorus goes on to say, “If you could see it through My eyes, you’d know that you are wanted.”

Friend, you have value in the eyes of God. No matter what you’ve been through; no matter what you’ve been told; you matter. Many times, we don’t understand His love for us because we compare the way others have loved us, and there is no comparison.

Humans are capable of wounding one another greatly. God is incapable of wounding us. He offers us a safe place to rest from the wounds of the world. Psalm 147:3 (KJV) says, “He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds.”

We have to allow God to heal our hurt in order for us to fully embrace the good and perfect plan He has for our lives.

Maybe you haven’t experienced a traumatic event in your life. Maybe, instead, you simply feel incredibly lonely today. Just know, you are not alone, you are enough, you are worthy, you are accepted, and you are wanted more than you can ever comprehend by a heavenly Father that loves you more than any human ever could.

Confession/Prayer:
Father, I accept Your love for me. I accept Your healing for the wounds I have carried. I release my need to understand all of the hurt, and I receive the strength that You are bringing into my life through these events. Thank You for wanting me and giving me a place to belong.

PRAYER
God, please come to my aid when I am hurting. Heal my wounds and restore my heart. Please come close to me and let me feel Your amazing love – today and every day. Amen.

A PRAYER OF THANKSGIVING
God, thank You for being with me even when I struggle to talk with You. When I don’t know how to put my concerns into words, thank You that the Holy Spirit is praying on my behalf. Amen.

A PRAYER FOR FACING TRIALS
God, when I face trials of any sort, help me to run to You, not away from You. Help me to see hard seasons as opportunities to grow in my faith. Give me the strength (Your strength) to persevere and the courage to always trust You. Amen.

TRUSTING GOD’S FAITHFULNESS
God, I come to You trusting that You are faithful and good. No matter what I go through, please let me never forget that You are with me. Help me hold tightly to Your unfailing love and sure promises. Amen.

DEALING WITH ANGER
God, please teach me to deal with my anger immediately, and help me not to be controlled by my anger. Please help me to release what is angering me completely to You. Amen.

LIVING A DISCIPLINED LIFE
God, help me to live a disciplined life. I want to live full of faithful and obedience. Please show me the areas I need to be even more disciplined. Amen.

Wanted! That feels like a whiny word for me. It breaks my heart to think of all those children who are unwanted by their traffickers, by their rapists, some even by their parents. But unwanted feels whiny for me because that is what I felt when my brothers and I were tricked into visiting the foster care home, only to be abandoned by our parents. Unwanted is what I felt for the 10 months we were constantly promised to be taken home only to be dropped off again at the end of each visitation. Unwanted is what I felt the day I finally had enough of broken promises, lost it in front of everyone after fighting not to be taken out of the car, cried myself to sleep, and gave up on ever believing in hope again. All hope was false hope to me.

Somehow I do feel that pain when I think of 3 years old… and all those years of violence, filth, and death. I feel it all every time I think of these children. All I can think is that no one cares. No one can do anything about it. NO ONE wants or cares about Your children outside of their own evil gain. And they just keep doing it.

You want to make it clear to me that You care… for me… for them. You want me… You want them. I belong to You! Each child belongs to You! You care about every hurt… every tear… every act that You warn the world of committing against Your children.

“Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.”
– Matthew 18:10 KJV

“Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.”
– Matthew 18:14 KJV

“And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea.”
– Mark 9:42 KJV

You want me to know that You know exactly where I am, and what is going on inside. You aren’t angry with me for being honest. You aren’t disappointed with me for having emotions. And You certainly are not offended for having a broken heart for Your children. You have placed that burden on my heart. Just as I cry to think no one cares, so no one cries… You tender my heart to cry with You for Your children. And as You have me start to think on that very thought about where You have me in my journey with You, tears and all for Your little children, including the little girl who had no one crying for her, not even herself, You bring this Facebook meme to my attention while sharing the verse of the day.

FB Meme for Remembering 9/11
(That was the day planes were driven into The Twin Towers in New York, The Pentagon in Washington DC, and into the ground in Philadelphia. Thousands of people lost their lives. This meme was pointing out the many lives who were saved by the little things reported on the news that made them either run late, or not be there that particular day.

The head of a company survived 9/11 because his son started Kindergarten. Another man was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts. One woman was late because her alarm clock didn’t go off on time. Another was late, stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an accident and his life was spared. One missed his bus. One spilled food on her clothes and had to take the time to change. One’s car wouldn’t start. One couldn’t get a taxi. One went back to answer the house phone. A man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning developed a blister before he got to the Towers, so he stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
When you’re stuck in traffic, oversleep, miss your ride…all the little things that annoy youmaybe you’re exactly where you’re meant to be at that very moment. May all who perished on 9.11.01 Rest in Eternal Peace & may the loved ones still grieving find strength.

You want me to trust where You have me, exactly as I am. How can I trust emotions that I won’t even acknowledge? You want me to trust YOU with them. You want me to trust that You are healing me. You want me to trust that You are using me to help someone else… even if it’s just through sharing this post, or sharing a missing child alert, or sharing trafficking information with others, or counseling someone who has been hurt by letting them know You do care… You DO love them!

I then go to look up the song You have given me in the devotional…

Wanted by Danny Gokey.
I was there the moment that it happened
But you couldn’t see me through the pain
I caught every tear as they were falling
When you lost your heart that day
Yeah, you lost your heart that day
And now you only see through broken lenses
Trying to keep your head above the shame
You believe the lie that I am distant
But I hold you every day
Yeah, I hold you every day
If you could see it through my eyes
You’d know that you are wanted
You’d know that you are wanted
And if you’d let my love inside
I’ll show you that you’re wanted
I’ll show you that you’re wanted
You’re more than all your darkest moments
You are defined by what I see
You’re my reflection, you’re my treasure, you’re my heartbeat
Oh, child, you belong to me, ohh
‘Cause if you would see it through my eyes

How incredibly personal You continue to be. I feel as though I have been leaning on the shoulder of my loving Father who cares about every tear…. more than I do.

And then You add another song right behind it that is so fitting. Even the video itself feels like it represents that LOOONG road You and I have been on. I listen to You minister to me with…

Haven’t Seen It Yet, also by Danny Gokey.
Have you been praying and you still have no answers?
Have you been pouring out your heart for so many years?
Have you been hoping that things would have changed by now?
Have you cried all the faith you have through so many tears?
Don’t forget the things that He has done before
And remember He can do it all once more

And then You finish this time of loving on me with a song singing the very declaration I was determined to trust You with… I know You are Good!!
Nothing is more important to me than to keep it all about Christ! If there is anyone who understands pain… it is Your precious Son! My Jesus! ❤

I Know by Big Daddy Weave!
I know that You are good
I know that You are kind
I know that You are so much more
Than what I leave behind
I know that I am loved
I know that I am safe
‘Cause even in the fire, to live is Christ, to die is gain
I know that You are good

Thank You for spending so much time with me! Thank You for reminding me I am wanted, that my emotions matter, that my pain matters, and that my tears matter.. to You… and to me! Thank You for crying for Your children. When innocent children lost their loves, it’s horrible enough. But when no one cares, or knows about what has happened to be able to cry, it’s so much sadder… heart breaking. Thank You for crying!! Thank You for caring. Thank for the promise… the assurance that THERE WILL BE AN END TO ANY CHILD EVER BEING HURT AGAIN! And EVIL WILL PAY FOR EVERYTHING THEY HAVE EVER DONE!

Thank You for making us Yours. Thank You for giving us a place to belong. Thank You for creating LOVE to be a beautiful thing with You! Thank You that there is NO PERVERSION with You! Thank You for being You! And thank You for thinking I am worth spending the time with!

❤ I love You, Abba Father!

❤ I love You, Sweet Jesus!

❤ I love You, Holy Spirit!

Bearing Up Under The Pain

gaillovesgodspoetry

Pain puts us in some uncomfortable situations.
Circumstances demand their own attention.
There are times when there’s nothing we can do.
We must bear the present until God gives us permission
To take a breath,
To catch our breath,
To make sure we’re still breathing,
To make sure we haven’t lost
ALL of our sanity,
To make sure we are even aware
Of what has come with the moment.
Pain is a cruel mocker,
When it is needed to bring the healing,
And even more so when it makes a declaration
That we are bound together for life,
Til death do us part.
Help me to bear, Lord, what you ask of me.
Thank You for being present even then,
Before we must arrive,
In the midst of the moment,
And already on the other side.
Thank You for helping us
To bear up under the pain
You know is…

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Thy Will Be Done

Day by day, I await for Your healing upon my soul.
Daily I am tormented by the consequences of my sin.
I can accept the responsibility of admitting I did,
but my soul is endangered by the guilt and shame within.
I long so desperately to repent of whatever I have withheld.
I yearn to give You the complete control you demand.
So often I cry unto You, “Please forgive me and heal me!”
And wait for You to love, comfort, and take my hand.
If I am missing something that says You have,
I pray the Holy Spirit would open my eyes and heart.
If Satan still holds any power, I lean on Your promises
to release his hold and make the pain and shame depart.
How can I live for You, witness for You,
when all I ever feel is I am a waste of Your precious time?
Do You not feel I need to be confident in You,
and those who witness my walk see the peace of mind?
In desperation, I cling to You, Your arms to shelter me.
I want only to grow stronger in You and Your Son.
I praise You for allowing me to be honest with You,
and praise You for the faith of knowing Thy Will Be Done.

12-10-01 Written by Gail Brookshire
(by the grace of God)