In Love With The King of My Heart

My Dearest Lord, how incredibly awe-inspiring You are! How lovingly You pursue me! So faithfully woo me! You amaze my heart every single day! And night! Every safe and troublesome night! Just last night we had some very dangerous weather come in, leaving some very slick roads. Yet Anthoni had to get on those roads to get to work. I knew he had 4 Wheel drive, but after the fog storm that iced over the entire western part of our state so unexpectedly, not even showing up on radar as it kept adding layers of black ice, in broad daylight, leaving thousands stranded, and hundreds of accidents everywhere.

One of those accidents involving 2 jackknifed tractor trailers left my brother, brother-in-law, and family friend stranded on the Interstate for 7 hours. Even after they got off safely, the car had idled so long on the ice that when they stopped for gas, the car would not come out of park, and had to be towed home. Records were created or broken over that mysterious foggy ice storm (mysterious to us 😉 ) just a week or so before. And so I wanted to see Anthoni off on this night, encourage him, ask him to text when there safely, and just let him know I love him. But that was not how things happened.

My meds were making it hard to even open my eyes for more than a second, a very brief and blurry second. My brain struggled to gain consciousness. As Anthoni was letting me know he was leaving, I was trying hard to awaken, but all I could get out was, “I’m sorry I can’t seem to wake up, Anthoni. I do love you. Please be safe. Let me know you made it when you do.” And I did not get that out all at the same time. I couldn’t stay awake to make sure he heard me, or understand what he said when I could tell he was trying to talk to me, and seemed frustrated that I couldn’t stay awake enough to hear him.

As he started warming up the car, I began to pray to You. “Lord, please help me. Please be with my son. I’m sorry I can’t seem to stay awake even enough to pray. Please keep him safe. Help him get to work safely. Help him not to forget to let me know he did.” Again, I didn’t get this out all at one time, and I didn’t “vocalize” any of it. At one point all I could say was, “I love You, Lord. I love you.” And kept repeating it any time I had consciousness. I made the decision to trust You, to know You wouldn’t punish me, or take it out on Anthoni, just because I couldn’t stay awake. The night was holding on to me, but that’s not the kind of God You are. You are our most loving and protective Father who loves when we trust You. It’s what You desire most from us. So that’s what I did. I counted on You. And got those few words out any time my brain would allow, while making the decision to stop fighting so hard to think, but instead trust You and go onto sleep. And just before I was falling off to sleep I heard those words.

“You are good, good, oh. You are good, good, oh.
You are good, good, good, good.”

Even as I heard them, they touched my heart in such a way. You were comforting me, assuring me, that You were good and loving. You were tenderly letting me know You well understood about my meds and my concern for my son. You were a doting parent caressing my forehead as You were singing me off to sleep. When I awakened, I immediately smiled. I remembered how tender and wonderful You had been to me. And there was a text from Anthoni. That song kept coming to mind all day long. Something told me I knew the song, yet I couldn’t figure how. Good, Good Father by Christ Tomlin was close, but I knew it wasn’t what You sang me to sleep with. So I went to my YouTube playlists.

I didn’t really know what title to look for because as much as I felt I knew the song, I also had a certainty that I didn’t know it well and would have to figure it out. So I asked You to help me find it. A song titled King of my Heart by Kutless kept coming up, but I would say, “Oh that can’t be it, Lord. I don’t know that song. I know it’s in my playlist, but that’s just because our church sang it a few times during the year so I saved it to be familiar with it. It never really did anything for me. I mean, I know the message was good and godly, and I know friends on WordPress introduced it to me as well, but it just never stayed with me. I don’t even know the words.” So I Googled what I did know… the words You played in my mind as I decided to trust You… to fall asleep and let go of the night.

“You are good, good, oh. You are good, good, oh.
You are good, good, good, good.”

Again! King of My Heart by Kutless came up! So I played it, and listened… and *GASP*!!! It was it! EVERY SINGLE WORD just touched my heart! So many things that You and I personally talk about… were in those words! Here I had trusted You, but You were comforting me! In every single word!

Let the King of my heart
Be the mountain where I run

So often I struggle with getting that walk on that beautiful Blue Ridge mountain… walking the Parkway bridge. I wish so badly that I could run that mountain like so may of my friends… Joe and his girlfriend Joy, Tina… or cycle it like my friends Tony and his friends, a few of my doctor friends, Jonathan… or at least walk the trails like my dearest Cousin Kimberly (who was the first woman to YOYO the Mountains to Sea Trail in 2016 and will hike  The Pacific Crest Trail in March of this year…. Shout out to “Legs!”!! 🙂 ). Kimberly was the one who the Lord used to inspire me to walk on the Parkway. Yet as I wrote in Walking the Walk Challenge, #1 Color Walk and  Walking the Walk Challenge, #2 Texture Walk for Lovely A’s Walking the Walk Challenge, I often end up here in this bed, and have to do that walk with You right here. You help me find joy in “letting the King of my heart be the mountain where I run.” That’s right! With You… I can run! On any mountain! On any bridge! Anywhere! ❤

The fountain I drink from

I struggle too with getting hydrated enough. It’s affecting my health in so many ways, as I have noted in Self Care Challenge Day 8: Water when I was doing Lovely A’s 21 Day Self Care Challenge. So as I hear this line, I am encouraged to “let the King of my heart be the fountain I drink from.” 🙂  “O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.” – Psalm 34:8 KJV

Oh, He is my song

OH, does this ever make my day! The testimony that You finally helped me to get down when Lene invited me to write on Song of Virginity was titled The Love of My Life – I am His Song, so immediately this came to mind with an overflowing emotion that You would give me those words… He is my song! I am Your song, and You are mine! Your banner over me is Love! How loved I am!! ❤

Let the King of my heart
Be the shadow where I hide

How often I close my eyes to escape the world and its unpleasantness. How I run to You for shelter… seeking a place to hide. “Let the King of my heart be the shadow where I hide” reminds of the tender hymn You taught me years ago during storms of the Tornado Outbreak Season of 2011 that I could not hide from but found shelter in You… and every word of He Hideth My Soul! ❤

The ransom for my life

You remind me of the cost You have paid for my life. Yet instead of conviction, it is assurance that though I sometimes long for Home so much that it is all I can think about, You remind me of things You have brought me through, and things that vie for my life and soul, but You… the One who gave me my life.. is the King who paid “the ransom for my life…” because You love me! ❤ You have rescued me… for Yourself! ❤

Let the King of my heart
Be the wind inside my sails

You know, dear Lord, how much I yearn to fly! I want to just soar through the air… enjoying Your majestic beauty… feeling the breath of Your wind in my hair… and supporting my lifeless body. “Let the King of my heart be the wind beneath my sails.” ❤ Let’s fly, Lord! Let’s sail! ❤

The anchor in the waves

Again, I think of those terrible storms, and the rocky waves of this world. Yet You whisper in those words that You are “the anchor in the waves.”

Let the King of my heart
Be the fire inside my veins

As I have learned the Lymphedema that I was diagnosed with is a breakdown of my veins from the pressure of the fluid, these words definitely feel like an anthem… a cry… a determination to “let the King of my heart be the fire inside my veins.” You make me grateful all over again for the therapists. They were definitely The Gift of the Year 2017: Therapy… and are still very much a gift from You! ❤

The echo of my days

When I question… Has there been a point to my life? Have I given You a testimony? Do I let You down? Or give You a reason to smile? You remind me my life is not about my whiny little self. It’s all about You! As it should be! Again, another anthem to gladly state and pray that You would be “the echo of my days.” Let them see You! ❤

You’re never gonna let
Never gonna let me down

Whether it’s trusting You with my son, or that You won’t punish me because I cannot fight my medicines or the sleep they induce, or not be able to give You the respect You deserve to sit up or address You reverently when praying, or pray on any of the above mentioned issues… “You’re never gonna let, never gonna let me down!” And yes… that was worth repeating! That’s how much I believe it! Here I was worried about letting You down, and yet it’s just like Your great love to be tender and caring to me! ❤

When the night is holding on to me
God is holding on

Last night really tried to steal my peace of mind. It certainly fought for my consciousness, as much as it wouldn’t let it rest either. Yet as I chose to trust in You, to trust in the words I could pray to You, as well as the ones I couldn’t even vocalize to You, You heard every word… including how much I love You. You remind me that as I chose to trust You and started to close my eyes for the night, regardless of the fear of letting You down, You remind me of how thoughtful You were to comfort me, but this time the words are, “When the night is holding on to me, God is holding on.”

You are good, good, oh
You are good, good, oh
Yes, You are good, good, oh
You are good, good, oh

No wonder my soul was in love with those words. “You are good, good, oh. You are good, good, oh. Yes, You are good, good, oh. You are good, good, oh.” No wonder my soul was in love with You… the King of my heart! How wonderfully good You are to me! I love it when You give me a song or a word like this in my sleep! When only You have access to me! Thank You for letting me know You were there… that You were listening… that You were moved by my trust in You. Thank You for just being You! You ARE good! ❤

Gift of the Year 2017: Therapy

Lord, you know you are my greatest gift ever, and you gave yourself through your Son Jesus Christ, the love of my life! Yet in praying about this past year, you began overwhelming me with the generous blessings you gifted me with throughout the year. While I am letting you help me get that post together by still taking time to look over everything, you absolutely pointed out my gift of the year… therapy.

When I began therapy 19 months or so ago, I could hardly walk, move my neck,  struggled to lift my legs to get in and out of the car, the tub, or to change clothes. It was so painful to sit, stand, walk, or even lay down, or allow my back to touch anything. I was clinically sleep deprived. I went from hardly ever taking meds to strong meds that were not doing a thing. When I began therapy several hours a week, every week, for the last year and a half, Blake did the hand work to my back and neck that finally allowed blood flow, which allowed my medicines to work, and any shot to have better circulation.

When Dr. Buzz began to do blocks, after the first one I went straight home and fell asleep for the first time in months… yes months… years since I could sleep more than 3 hours… and without pain! I was able to improve on personal hygiene, lay on my back, finally elevate my feet, start attending church more often, and tolerate standing better for singing at least a little bit.

In the last year, I have had more types of therapists than I even knew existed. The number of doctors, therapists, specialists, and procedures were just too much, though I kept a daily record. Between medicines, surgeries or procedures, vigorous therapies, medical tests, medicine changes, all while struggling with memory, concentration, the ability to focus, got the best of me several times. I was told it was metabolic, but I needed (and will probably need for life) the medicines just to function.

If it were not for therapy and blocks, I would be in such a miserable state, IF I were here at all. While I wanted answers and relief, and did whatever was asked of me, I had given up in many ways. I had no energy at all because it was all going into doing simple things… sit, stand, walk, use the bathroom, shower, sleep, dress and undress. I thought I was surely losing the battle, especially since I had many other health issues, and all my doctors could see was weight…. thinking it was all about food and me.

I praise your name for the therapy that helped me not to give up, to better communicate with my doctors, and better understand why my doctors thought such incorrect and negative thoughts, learning to better understand what they were asking of me, and if all else fails not to give up trying so that I can know I did everything asked of me.

My dietician therapists were such a supportive team. How can I thank you, Lord, enough for sending my dietician coach? It makes all the difference in the world to have someone on your side, to believe you, and to help you figure out what’s going wrong, or at least how to better deal with it, without giving up.

Towards the end of the year, I was diagnosed with lymphedema and lipedema. Robbie’s vigorous work with my legs and compression made a vast difference in the health of my legs and feet before I was released to begin work with a whole new team of therapy specialists. The most comforting words I heard from complete medical strangers were, “This is fluid, not weight. This is not something you’ve done. This is something that has happened to you. There has been injury to your lymphatic system. The lipedema is fat, but not the kind of fat YOU have gained or could work off. Again it is not something you have done. It is something that has happened to you.” Even if I’ve learned I will be living with it, I finally have answers, and a TEAM of specialists gifted beyond measure.

Lastly, but certainly not least, that one who has helped to learn to communicate better between my doctors as they asked for has been gifted with patience that has saved me from giving up, saved me from going crazy, and has kept me from flying. Every day is a challenge not to lose those battles, but he completely gets it. I am not going crazy to him. I am simply physically frustrated, exhausted, discouraged, insulted, challenged, belittled, bullied, and anxious about what I cannot control or understand… which is a lot. He helps me to pause, to think it out, to regroup, to communicate, and choose to live.

The best gift of all along the way is the many believers you have brought along my path. Missionaries in the medical field. They are absolutely there! Comforting, healing, encouraging day in and day out. And even nonbelievers… you never go without using people whether they are willing or not, even when they have ill intentions, YOU are always on the throne, making beautiful things work for YOUR good through and to them, as well as to me! That’s so you!

Thank you, God, for all of the souls you have brought my way. I especially pray for my regular doctor (aka G.P. or family doc) as she has been sick enough to have to leave the practice for a few months. She was the one who began this journey with me, and signs whatever permissions she is asked to that allow things to continue. You have used her so much, and now I can do nothing to help her… but YOU CAN! I pray for her, and for each one you gifted me with this year. A greater part of the year, they were the only ones I saw outside of home. Thank you for Anthoni’s heart (and finances) to make sure his mom got to all of her appointments, as much as possible, making me promise not to give up. Thank you for being the Great Physician that you are! NOTHING would be possible without you!