It’s never too late to keep on trying. Many days have come and gone since my last post, but as I have given my life to Christ years ago… every day and every thing, including every post, or pause from thereof… is yours, dear Lord. So when days pass, I leave that to you. And when you give another opportunity, I just want to praise you! I love you! Praise your holy name! While I am able, I will address that very struggle. Just to get here to post, Lord, is so challenging. It takes so much just to hold this computer. The table doesn’t come before me in a supportive way. When it is in my lap or something, it’s a balancing act. To sit, recline, or relax in bed challenges each muscle and causes a problem one way or another. It’s very distressing and very depressing. It makes me want to…
Well it has been several days, so I am dropping by to blog a note of hello. It’s so unexpected, but one of the rare chances I get right now. There is not a particular thought, though I have many that need addressing. Lord willing, I will get to them in God’s good timing. For now, this is just to keep things going. Even this note feels a little lacking, but sometimes the best way to keep a thought (of blogging) going, means even when there isn’t much to say. So Hi! Hope you are having a blessed day! God loves you!
The following is my Google Plus account tagline and profile introduction. They sent an email saying Google Plus is closing, so get any pics or anything I want off of it. I just copied and pasted this because this was a part of my journey in trying to get my testimony down for God, and trusting Him enough to have a public site regardless of family issues. This also shows how I tried to keep it “clean” and “appropriate” as advised by church family. While it is a nice summary, God would make it clear to me He wanted others who ARE LIVING in the ugly now or have come through it to know what He can do… and that He loves them. I still decide to follow His lead!
Tagline: It’s not about me. It’s all about Jesus Christ! He died to save us from sin. Choose Christ, choose life!
Introduction: By the grace of God, my name is Gail Brookshire. Jesus lovingly rescued me when I was 8 years old. Shortly after, He gave me the gift to write and I do my best to use it all to the glory of God! Through foster care, multiple schools, a very dysfunctional upbringing, my parents divorcing and remarrying, many deaths throughout my life of loved ones, having my son and so much more, God has always allowed me the privilege of being the first to read what He gives me to learn more about myself, how to cope, that He has allowed me to survive and grow, and MOST importantly learn more of Him every day to grow closer and closer! I praise God for His wonderful love! Jesus is all the world to me! He is my friend… MY BEST FRIEND EVER!
Is really new to say the same old cliche… I’m still a work in progress? Well anyway, my blog is too. Every day is a day in progress. Everything is in progress, as long as it’s not dying or dead. But even then… we all continue somewhere.
Lord, I pray for your will and your guidance. This is YOUR blog. This is YOUR testimony. Even if it’s my life, YOU gave it to me, and allowed it to be the way it was. Only YOU know how it will end. No matter what… I LOVE YOU!
**This post was originally posted on 5.14.16 as my 1st post. I no longer have the FB Group page… Gail’s Poetry. And my personal FB remains private and barely open. The only reason I have not deleted it thus far is because several family and friends use to keep in touch, as well as church family. And I watch church services through FB live. The feed is much better. You will also notice no Like or Comment button or section. I can only tell you I was still new to learning WordPress at the time. ** God loves you!
And…. here we go again. Attempting to do another blog. An attempt at putting together my testimony to leave behind… and share while I am here. Praying that my testimony praises my God for what he has done for me throughout my life, and continues to do now. I have attempted to do a couple of them before but never can find the page again, or as with Myspace… lost access when the space was exiled. I do still have my poetry page on Google with a brief testimony for when addressing someone with what it meant for Jesus to come into my life. It was even originally made to be public for anyone and everyone, as opposed to my private FB account, but eventually I made a little security to keep the ranters and haters out, but then made it to where no one can even comment because of family. I do have a separate poetry page as well in a private group on my FB called Gail’s Poetry, but I have to invite anyone. It’s really to keep from filling up the news feeds too much.
This blog is an attempt to more honest and open, as that has become my biggest hindrance… in writing… speaking… thinking… communicating… socializing… living. For the earliest part of my life through my early twenties I was always a VERY quiet person, kept to myself, not speaking, but using one word to answer (literally if I could get away with it, and usually did), and spoke only the needed answer. That all changed in the early 1990’s. What happened, you ask? Life! It’s not like I didn’t have enough to talk about already. It’s just all of the tragedy and danger of my childhood always called for silence to survive, along with making no sign of emotion. If people could figure out my thoughts and feelings, they used them against me… to protect themselves and to gain more access to more power. In 1990, I discovered talking as a way to get through dangerous situations, and learned that it could keep people away. The more I escaped having to worry all the time, the more I awakened.
That’s right. Gail awakened. Life before that was just life. I would say it was about trying to survive, but I didn’t even know I was trying to survive. I didn’t even know I was in danger. Not only did I not realize that things that weren’t right were not normal, I didn’t even know I was here… literally. Death had been just as much an occupant in my life as people that I knew as family. That will make for a blog or two some time. For now, this is to get this page started. The hardest part is being honest. I have never wanted to shame my dad, my mom, or any of my family and friends. Telling my testimony, sharing what God has brought me through, even as a summary does that. With both of my parents now deceased, my grandparents, brother, so many family and friends, I still do not wish to shame them, but I know that they will not have to take it personally or ask me to change my mind when they themselves encouraged me to write, to tell it like it really is, and to not be ashamed. They were ALL supportive of my writing and were so proud of me. That was the word they used.
But it will still be a struggle as nowadays I have family that gets so mad at ANYthing I say… literally. If I write a personal FB post, they get so upset. Also, the last time I attempted to “tell my testimony” as the churches so passionately preach, I was told it was too inappropriate for church. That it needed to be cleaned up. I don’t use foul language or anything like that, but sex has been a part of my life since I was 3 years old.
me at 3yrs old
That’s the earliest I can remember anyway. Yes it’s disgusting to mention a 3 year being molested, but how do you think the 3yr old felt… and wouldn’t you like to know the beautiful purity God has restored for her? So please pray for me. I do not wish to offend God or fellow believers. If it is my responsibility to give God all of His glory for my testimony, then He deserves every bit of truth. Every time these subjects have come up in life, those going through the same thing (nonbelievers at that) are always telling me they wished I would tell my story, that someone from the church needs to be honest. That there are so many people who will never see a church, and there are few people who will be honest about their testimony.
Lastly for this post, let me just that yes, I did notice my bad grammar, punctuation, and possibly misspelled words. But that’s just me. You wouldn’t know that I graduated from 2 colleges…. AB-Tech with an A.A. (Pre-Liberal Arts) Degree, and from Montreat with a B.A. (English Literature). What an insult to them, but this blog is about… my testimony is… gaillovesgod! Cause that’s what my life has ALWAYS been about. Yes God was the one doing the loving me until I had a chance to meet him, but that is what a relationship with Jesus is all about. We love Him because He first loved us.
So until next time… I leave this post to start. I don’t intend to add anyone right now unless they ASK to be added so that I can have time to figure out what I am going to do if those family members read. Eventually my testimony is meant to be public. And I have to tell the ugly so that God can get the glory for the restoration. There are so many people hurting and going through the same… or worse. They need to know someone loves them, and they need to know it’s God. They need to know that loving Him is NOT going to take away the pains of life or the possibility… the LIKELIHOOD of more tragedy. But they can know that going through it with Jesus makes ALL the difference in the world. And the best part is that I can’t wait to get to the part of the testimony where I get to share what He gives me, bless me with, and so much more NOW… every day… just by being Himself!
“And there shall come forth a rod out of the stem of Jesse, and a Branch shall grow out of his roots: and the spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord; and shall make him of quick understanding in the fear of the Lord: and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears: but with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth: and he shall smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips shall he slay the wicked. And righteousness shall be the girdle of his loins, and faithfulness the girdle of his reins.” – Isaiah 11:1-5 KJV
Wow! Father, You made Jesus to know and personally experience the “fear of the Lord, which made Him of quick understanding.” You do tell us to fear You is the beginning of wisdom, and understanding. Wow! Quick understanding. ❤
Jesus, that just makes You even more like no one else!
❤ I love You and our Father! ❤
My Day 3 of the Christmas 31 Day Scripture Writing Plan. (I won’t have notes for each day. I am doing whatever You allow, Lord. Whatever You give! It’s all about You!)
“Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel. Butter and honey shall he eat, that he may know to refuse the evil, and choose the good. For before the child shall know to refuse the evil, and choose the good, the land that thou abhorrest shall be forsaken of both her kings. The Lord shall bring upon thee, and upon thy people, and upon thy father’s house, days that have not come, from the day that Ephraim departed from Judah; even the king of Assyria.” – Isaiah 7:14-17 KJV
This passage amazes me! You, Jesus, gave up even the knowledge to know to refuse evil, and choose good. And the fact that things happened in the land where You grew up before You learned to know, let’s me know You allowed Yourself to be completely at the mercy of Your authority figures and society too. You do understand far more than I give You credit for. And butter and honey, what’s so special about them? I thought butter was bad for us? It must be one of those moderation things. 😉
My Day 1 of the Christmas 31 Day Scripture Writing Plan. I won’t have notes for each day. I am doing whatever You allow, Lord. Whatever You give! It’s all about You!
I am so thankful
that our God is so in control
that He is NEVER afraid
just because I am!
Satan may want me to worry
and steal that comfort
found in my Father,
but God wants me to trust
that He will even help my unbelief!!
The theme continues with You, Father God. I was just posting the Mean As A Snake photo and caption before this one because it reminded me when of when we can be mean as a snake, but it also keeps Your tender mercy flowing with such beautiful and faithful love. When You gave me a new song in Beggar by Benjamin James, You also blessed me with a very moving Christian movie in Mountain Top. What a delightful surprise to find it was filmed locally, with a few familiar faces.
Beggar is the theme song from that movie. As You are using these words for Gently Mending My Soul, Your movie touches me with the same message of Your tender love towards us when we are broken… how many times it is not us being broken… it just feels like it, but we have no idea how You are working in our lives. And for the good! We need the mountain top moments to become, achieve, complete what blessings You have planned for us, and for those You have blessings waiting for THROUGH US!
Help me to live by Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV:
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. “
I will share again the video for Beggar because the way I included the lyrics in a conversation with You, I am not sure everyone will understand that, and the message should be heard (or read) at least once.
Oh be kind to the beggar that’s inside of you And the fiend that you are hiding too Oh be kind Feed the poor and lonesome man in your own soul Love him till he’s been made whole Feed the poor Be at peace with the enemy in your own home Neither you nor he can throw a stone So be at peace Be good to the criminal you’ve locked away That sinful man you learned to hate Oh be good
When I’m broken to pieces You make me whole And through every season Your mending my soul
Suffer long when you are your own prodigal For where your home is there your heart is full So suffer long And be gentle with the splinters in your mind In your violence you are blind So be gentle
Lord, how powerfully You can reach us through things like a snake on social media! I was reminded of the expression “mean as a snake.” Thank You for allowing Anthoni to be touched by it enough to share it. As the caption says below the photo: Sometimes we react in anger, thinking about hurting those who hurt us, but we are hurting ourselves. Help us to trust You with everything, including our hurts.
God, You are so kind… so gentle… to lovingly pursue me the way You do. Your faithful affection comforts my restless soul. The world would tell me You grow weary of my weakness, that to have any at all is sin. But the love of Your only Son assures me with the same love You allowed Your angels to minister to Him within the garden, that just as You loved Him through a great time of agony and desire to avoid His cup if possible, You love me in my time of weakness, within the darkness that suffocates my soul.
No matter how many times I must battle sudden or lingering fear, You will never leave me, nor limit how many times You will tolerate me. Not one of the three times that Your Son prayed to You in anguish did You turn Him away. Not one time did You tell Him to dry it up, or that You were only going to put up with so much. When those great drops of sweat fell as tears or blood, You did not tell Him what a disgrace He was to Your name. Nor did You tell Him that His cries were shame on a faith that He just did not have.
You were there for Your Son every single time He prayed, every time He fell on His face to You, and every time He asked if You would change His circumstances by removing His cup. You instead heard His every word, including…
“And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.“ – Matthew 26:39 KJV
And as You remind me of these words and my precious Jesus suffering His agony, You send me a song just as You sent His ministering angels.
Beggar by Benjamin James reminds me to be kind to the beggar that’s inside of me, and the fiend that I am hiding too. You know the part of me that constantly pleas for relief from the agony of my weakness and for forgiveness for that wretched fiend that is very much a part of me. Instead of scolding me, which I am already doing so much myself, You tell me to be kind to myself.
You tell me to feed the poor and lonesome girl in my own soul, to love her till she’s been made whole. There is so much she has been deprived of, robbed of, or simply thrown away in foolishness. I am to feed the poor within myself.
You tell me to be at peace with the enemy within my own home because whether it’s her undeniable guilt or my attempts to blame her, we can neither one throw a stone. We must take care of the mote in our own eyes, and do as You have commanded in loving one another so that the world will know we are of You. We are to be at peace with one another.
I’m to be good to the criminal I’ve locked away. In my repentance and growing in Your word, I learned to hate the sinful side of me enough to avoid it. But in my desperation to be free of the shame and guilt, in my desperation to be cleaner in Your presence, that I might have the hope of Your embrace, I have locked myself up in a self made prison that keeps me from remembering the freedom You have given this sinful girl who has been separated from that which convicted her. She is so weak from the lingering weight of a guilty conscience. I need to be good to her because she needs a friend, she needs to know she is genuinely forgiven. False guilt will imprison her enough. Doubt will try to convince her she’s still shackled. My refusal to show her love can hinder her from feeling Yours.
You remind me that when I’m broken to pieces, You make me whole, and through EVERY season You’re mending my soul. That includes weakness, doubt, darkness, fear, anxiety, depression, anguish, and everything that Satan can throw at me, or that I simply struggle with yet again. You are working to help me love You with my WHOLE heart.
Suffer long when you are your own prodigal. In Your Holy Word, to suffer means to allow. You tell me to allow my fear, my doubt, my darkness, and all that comes with being who I am to be, and take as long as it needs, to be able to feel like I’m finally coming home to You. For where my home is there my heart is full. By allowing You to work with me in whatever way You have prepared for me, and as long as You ask of me, I am allowing You to make my heart Your home.
So be gentle with the splinters in your mind. They haven’t all been put there alone. And no matter how they got there, by being violent to myself, I am merely continuing to blind myself like all those things along the road of life that blindsided me so that I would blindly walk along, unable to see the Light, the Truth, and the Way. Without the gentle love of Christ, I am keeping the blinders of life on, sometimes willingly.
So I am to be gentle as a Lamb… the precious Lamb of God, who has set me free of the prison of self condemnation. I am to love myself as He did… as He does.. the love that let me know I am the child of the One True King. God, my Father, my Creator, knows where I have been, what I have done, and what I’ve come through. But He wants me to remember that while I am still in this flesh, as His Son once was, He knows there will be moments of humanness. He also wants me to remember that He uses these times to draw me near, and remind me of what He has brought me through, so that I will have courage to face the fear, confidence to confront the doubt, and light to walk in the darkness.
“He giveth power to the faint,
and to them that have no might, He increaseth strength.” – Isaiah 40:29 KJV
