God, I am sitting here… reading Your word… praying… listening… thinking on (selah)… a message that I am trying to write for you and those who will read… a post to let them know if they do not hear from me, or I am slow to respond, or accidentally miss a message that I am healing from a new procedure done just yesterday. Yet even while trying to inform about this RFA (Radio-Frequency Ablation) done to my right side this time and will be done to my left side in 2 weeks, I want to make sure this stays about You.
Yes it is to inform my friends and community that I am in a great deal of pain, struggling to walk, to sit, to stand, and sometimes get on the computer, so please be patient with me with responding. The wall, my claw walker, my heat/ice wrap, my chair You blessed me with from the ladies in my bible study are dear friends to me right now as I need them to get through this. But in even in all this pain, Lord, I know You do nothing by accident. The hope of these procedures is to eliminate (or at least alleviate) back pain that goes into my legs, that is excruciating pretty quickly when standing for more than 5 or 10 minutes. To relieve nerves in the lumbar and sacrum area that are being encroached upon. They burned these nerves for two minutes. I can’t help but think of Your word.
Burning… for purification… tried in the fire.. to let patience have her perfect work… that I may be perfect and entire… wanting nothing.
“My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” – James 1:2-4 AKJV
Are You burning my physical nerves to purify my spiritual nerves? Are You walking me through my fiery furnace to emphasize coming though without even the smell of smoke on them? I particularly thought of the latter because for several hours after the procedure because when I would use the bathroom I would smell something burnt, something hot, like burned wires or overheated electronics. It took me several hours to realize it was me.
I may have smelled smoke from the burning that took place for 2 minutes on my physical body, but it is my spirit that You emphasize You have walked with throughout my life, and have brought me through without even a smell of that past. Only through testimony to You does anyone ever know. And even though those details be horrific, filthy, violent, evil, and vile… through Your mercy, salvation, grace, rescue and reconciliation… through restoration it is all… only love! My love for you! Your love for me! Unconditionally! No matter what.
Even when my human mind goes through normal cycles of doubt, fear, shame, and guilt that has long been saturated with Your Son’s blood… You see, hear, and KNOW my love for You is unshakable, unwavering, and unconditional! Just the way You taught me! Through the very love You share with me.
So while I heal through another unfamiliarity, pray for relief from unwanted pain, and hope for healing even where they have used words like chronic, permanent, and nothing they can do… I KNOW YOU CAN! And while I know You can, I recognize Your Sovereignty, Your Authority, and Your Will. Just as Jesus asked You in the garden to remove His cup from Him if it were possible, I ask for all of the healing, restoration, and relief from pain that You will allow. And just like Jesus I leave my trust in Your hands because only You know the plans You have for me. Only You know who is witnessing my battle, my pain, my surrender to Your will for their own journey of faith.
Some may call me resigned, getting in the way of my own healing, lacking faith and thereby causing my own problems. But I know that is not the God You are. My sins are no match for Your blood and therefore I am forgiven. And surrendering even my health to Your will is not lacking faith, it is quite the opposite. I am not a hero or some kind of pain warrior. I cannot promise a testimony without tears, fears, depression, or the many things the world promises me from being Yours. I am after all still human, just as Jesus was while still in human flesh.
But I know that You promise my weakness makes Your strength perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9) , and that I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). You promise to be with me (Psalm 16:8). And that You do care about my pain (1 Peter 5:7). I know You do! I believe You. And that is a great part of my strength. It all comes down to You! The Father who saw His only begotten Son come to Him 3 different times to pray in agony, yet ALWAYS trusting in His Father’s will. Help me to always keep my mind on Your will, and my trust into Your hands (Isaiah 26:3). As the psalmist penned,
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
In Jesus’ name I pray and trust because He has left me an example like none other…
an honest and surrendered will to the Heavenly Father! ❤ Amen!