What a challenge Week Four has been, Lord, with this study.
But one worth taking no matter what!
Thank You for bringing me along! ❤
You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong.
That’s a powerful statement.
From the moment I left the study and went to our familiar “quiet”place, I was completely… stuck! Completely in another world. It felt like there was this looming cloud following me, ready to burst this shower of love all over me, but I couldn’t see or feel past this gripping fear of familiar darkness that always causes me to feel like I’m struggling to breathe.
I knew this statement was regarding Leah and Rachel, and Jacob. And we were to consider them, as well as the handmaids. But we were also to consider the comparison from a personal point of view. That hit way too close to home, as all of the studies have done since the one we did written by Lisa Harper on Job. Lord, You have been dealing so closely with me, but I do not know what to do with it. You and I both know there are some things that can never be told. Some have already been confessed, as a part of my testimony. But we all have things that must go to the grave with us. To deal with such personal things on an emotional level! Personal pain open to others!
Physical pain itself has been a lifelong distraction from the emotional pain. I grew up being told we all need to avoid being so emotional. I have been told by numerous professionals and tests that I am a rationalist. My family and friends have always been annoyed with how I am always safety minded.
Now our world says we need to open up. You brought me out from the world, and taught me how to follow You! No one else! No other belief! Your Word! Your Will! Your Way! Yet You have personally been bringing such deep and painful things forth to deal with, to share, and to heal. Yet You also know I am at a loss on HOW, WHAT, WHY. The only thing I have a clue on is Your constant encouragement through those who comment on how my writing/poetry helps them, encourages them, especially the raw truth, the honest, and most of all my constant love for You DESPITE all that has been.
I can easily see why I love You so much. I can easily remember what You have brought me through. But I thought we were at a point where it was all about telling them You love them too! I don’t know how to go any deeper. And quite frankly, I am scared too. Being told something like I didn’t do anything wrong feels so foreign. It’s like when I experience someone’s kindness to me, especially when I did nothing to earn it. I try to figure out why. And it blows my mind that it was just because.
SO anyway… before I take up any more space on this follow up.
Day One was Soul Dysfunction
My daily morning prayer to you, ” Lord, help me not to cling to anyone or anything so much that I would let it determine the worth of my life. Let me put nothing above You. Help me to trust You in all things, including my disappointments. Open my eyes to any secret sins, and help me to rely on Your strength. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”
Day Two was There’s A Winner
My daily morning prayer to you, “Lord, help me discern between when I am to wrestle, and when I am to rest in You and trust You are wrestling for me. Help me not to be carelessly high minded in my own self wisdom. Help me not to judge others. And help me to celebrate with those who have cause to celebrate what You have done or allowed. Help me not to get caught up in the war of comparison. It is an ugly battle with ourselves.”
Day Three was The Overthinkers
My daily morning prayer to You, “Lord, I am broken for Leah, yet disappointed in her too. Of all things, she had 4 pure blooded sons with Jacob. And they would always be Jacob’s blood sons and always older than any children Rachel or any maids had with him. Jealousy brought two more women into the bedroom, and into Jacob’ bed.”
Day Four was Manipulation Mandrakes
My daily morning prayer to You. “Lord, help me to not have a manipulating spirit. Help me to be honest, fair, and loving. Help me to remember that though the wrong seems oft so strong, You are the ruler yet. This Is My Father’s World. <3
Day Five was You Be You
Another one of those quizzes.
I was MOSTLY 3s… More Than A Conqueror
“Life is challenging, but you are a steadfast fighter. Keep showing up for battle and putting on the armour of God. You know how the story ends! God’s got this!”
I get to praise You too, for the answered prayer of trying to finding Anthoni’s spare key to his car.Yay it was in the bigger coat pocket. Thank You, God!
I finished my antibiotic for a sinus infection. Less Meds!
I finish with a song to Thank You for all You do! ❤
Though Your love I have learned I didn’t do anything wrong…
When I had tailbone injuries at 3, 10, and 12.
When I woke up unable to walk at 12.
When evil forced itself on a 3 yr old.
When evil turned from a moment to years.
When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 22.
When my leg popped and never completely popped back in.
When I was riding in a vehicle that hit a telephone pole.
When I was riding in a vehicle that slammed into another.
When I was riding in a car that slammed our heads into a rock wall.
When I was tricked into to foster care at 9.
When I trusted authority figures.
When my wrist was crushed at 9.
When my other wrist was jammed at 9.
When no was not taken for an answer… too many times.
When screaming and fighting for my life served no purpose.
When I gave my heart, soul, and life to You! ❤
When I trusted You in continuing to trust people can be good.
When I Turned My Eyes Upon Jesus and looked full in His wonderful face! ❤
When I finally told someone about the sexual abuse just shy of 18.
When I was pushed to the floor and my T1 area rammed into the back of my head.
When I was baptized at 8.
When I kept trying to find a counselor I could trust.
When I refused to have an abortion at 18.
When I took care of my dying mother…
even when doctors warned my health would permanently pay for it.
When I was diagnosed with Lymphedema and Lipedema.
When I went to church even as a single mom.
When I gave up ALL relationships that come between You and me, Lord.
When I gave up ALL friendships that come between You and me, Lord.
When I entered into the best relationship I have ever had in my life with You!
When I wrote this long list of things Satan and the world has tried to convict me of, or continues to try to convict me of, and despite worrying it might be too long, it’s not near long enough, and some things are to remain between You and I!
You understand, God! How grateful I am.
Help me to remember Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;
and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him,
and he shall direct thy paths.”
and 1 John 3:20
“For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart,
and knoweth all things.”
4 thoughts on “Rachel & Leah Bible Study: Night 4 of 6 (Follow Up)”
Gail………oh my goodness………there is so much I could say but don’t know how. all you have been through all the hell that you endured and how you are still able to show love to others is a true testimony to your love for God and His love for you!
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God has been so merciful unto me. I have never known such love as Him! And His love is for everyone!
I thank you for you compassion, Wendi. It is has been harder for me to learn not to deflect kindness and compassion. But if He is genuinely using what He allows me to write to helps others, even in His testimony in the life He gave me, I don’t want to throw it away. I had wrong thinking long enough. I want God’s way of thinking… and loving! Me and Him love you, Wendi! ❤
PS… I am holding onto some of your comments that I have not responded to because they keep going to Pending, without any notification, and if I click apply without noticing what post was commented on, I don't know where to go, and lose it. WordPress is trying to help me, but with my screenshot not working and fall asleep a lot, I am struggling to get that woman! But I am praying for God to help me, sister!
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Well please know that You and your blog have been a blessing to me. I have PTSD and suffered childhood trauma. It is a beast that requires a very big God so I am thankful we both have that in common! Please know you are in my prayers Gail and what you do matters.
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PTL! Thank you, Wendi! I am sorry you suffered trauma of any kind. And I too am glad we have God in common. He makes us family, sister! And He is in charge.
Oh and that was supposed to say “I am struggling to get that MOMENT, not WOMAN”…lol