Losing… It!

On By gaillovesgodIn Uncategorized, Writing

I’m losing… it. The storehouse of faces I’ve loved. Those voices I once heard whispered in my ear. Those unmistakable laughs. Those unforgettable moments I was dying to tell. Those corny jokes told again and again, but I loved the one telling them. Those little arms that came along with little smiles and wide eyes. Those exciting and luring moments that seemed too hot to forget. And all of those things that made me who I am… by knowing who I am… and knowing who I am not. Memory. That’s my it. So when I say I am losing… it, I am not joking. I am losing… my memories. I am losing… me.

It sounds so selfish to say it like that. But, Lord, how can it be selfish to be concerned about my heath. It’s not healthy to lose everything you have done in me to make me who I am. I am going to lose all of that as well. I am losing the verses, the hymns, the parables, the commandments, and the beautiful love letter your Son left us in the book of John. Worst of all, I am losing everything I know about you, your Son, and your Holy Spirit. My reason for living.

My friends used to call me “human rewind”. I was the one who remembered birthdays, anniversaries, and even phone numbers and addresses long before cellphones. I could verbally playback songs, note for note, ooh ah for ooh ah. I made extra money on jobs because of articulation, pronunciation, accentuation, and remembering the details of products, customers, and all sorts of info. I was given leadership roles in work and college organizing resources of information because I had pleasure (really a need) to keep things in some form of order for immediate access.

By your grace, I memorized countless bible verses, even chapters. You allowed me to memorize the whole book of James. I knew the ten commandments fully. I knew the books of the bible, new and old, in chronological order. I learned so many hymns, in their entirety, not just their popularity. I was asked by church to do a writing ministry because I was already sending cards for birthdays, anniversaries, new babies, weddings, graduations, get wells, and just because. They offered to keep me in supply of stamps, cards, and whatever I needed as they handed me a directory and told me to let them know whenever I found mistakes.

Now… now I’m lucky if I can finish a conversation without fumbling, or rambling, forgetting, or sounding like the high school drop out I was (my high school teacher, who was teacher of the year with NCAE and our school several years running, urged me to quit school to get my G.E.D. and go on into college in fear I was getting bored with school), or a nervous rambling wreck unable to at least keep my focus on topic. I find it extremely hard to remember the simplest of things if they’re not written down. Even then, I have to remember they’re written down already, or at least put a note where I hope I will see it. And my editorial skills, well they speak for themselves.

Friends and family are hurt that I cannot remember their special days, even more by my asking them to write it down… again… and again. They are offended by my writing the same notes I have written again and again over very personal matters, some that they only entrusted to me. They ask me not to write any more. I have not been the one who everyone comes to for everything for quite some time. They no longer trust my wisdom, my confidentiality, or my ability to be genuine.

Most days, I am struggling with medications… having to take them, having to trust them, and having to be careful of them. A couple of years ago I only had a couple of prescriptions to take as needed, which wasn’t often. Now I take 9 to 11 on a daily basis. Some I take more than once a day. I have to be careful discussing this because we have family/friends we have to hide meds from. So I have to hide them and remember. I have to write down what I take so I can remember when they’re due, and catch myself before I accidentally take meds on top of each other, and sometimes when I have already taken them again it gives me a window of time… to know when I’ll be ok. As long as I get to write these things down, it helps.

Lord, it’s hard. It’s scary. It’s depressing. It makes it easy to give up, especially when I see the hurt I put on a face, or when I disappoint those I love, and I mean disappointment that sticks for life, the kind I know from my own personal experience, and to know there’s nothing I can do about it. On top of this, losses in my life and my family have been many and continue. The people who once asked me to let them help, or asked me to be their help are not here to vouch for what I’m like, what I eat, what I’m allergic to, what health issues I have, or anything else that I will eventually have no control over. My life will be at the mercy of strangers. All I can do is pray they are your strangers, with your wisdom, your compassion, and your favor.

How does all of this feel? That’s all anyone ever wants to know. Didn’t I just say that… hard, scary, depressing, easy to give up, helpless, hopeless, disappointing, lonely, frustrated, and there’s nothing I can do… but pray. And I do.

 

35 thoughts on “Losing… It!”

  2. Ah I was praying the other day why I am not allowed to excel in things I’m good at. For some reason I could not progress past a point. I am good at computers, at photography, I love to ride my bike. But I sort of had to give it up as I got to know my God. I used to ask God when I heard the parable where the master left his servants talents and when he returned asked them for an account. I asked God what account I should give I’ve never been able to make the most of what I was given. Then he spoke to me one day and told me very clearly. He wanted me not to have those things distract me from HIM. He also told me it was not how much I made out of my talents but I was told what was important to him was how I spent the time between when he left and when he returned. Because heaven could be lost in that time.
    Why do I share this with you. It’s because God knows you and he won’t permit anything to happen that is not part of his plan for YOU. I have a habit of asking God to bless my plan. Till he taught me it’s more important I accept his plan.
    He will lead you just trust. He is there next to you. Even when you don’t feel him he is there just behind you. God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. PTL! Thank you, Piers, for such kind and strong encouragement! I apologize for not responding sooner. I just happen to find this in my spam. (I check there often since I have learned that happens sometimes with messages). I praise the Lord for your taking time to share a little of your own challenges, and the wisdom God has shared with you through them. I do need to trust in Him at all times, and I choose to! Thank you again, Piers! God loves you!

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          1. Just one thing remember that your mind cannot comprehend God. Our mind turns to dust at the end of our lives. God speaks to our soul. God has given us our minds and love. Only love can comprehend God. If we could figure out how God wants us to live we would be unique. So trust in love, in loving God and he will speak to your heart. Love him for what you are, our minds tell us it’s weakness but know he hasn’t taken away your love so whatever happens he can talk to you. It’s all new to me as well but try it he will not let you down. Be blessed and abide in his plans for he loves you.

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  3. walkingwiththeway

    Hey there, I had been worrying for a long time, and the Lord has revived me out of it, and I do believe and pray that He’ll relieve you from this sadness. The way I conquered the sadness was to identify the problem, and to face it, instead of running away from it. Another thing to try that I take sometimes is Vitamin D oil drops. That is the sunshine vitamin which lifts our moods. Remember to NEVER GIVE UP! You have the Lord Jesus Christ, the one who has defeated the world as your guidance, and you have a bunch of Christians looking out for you too on your blog! God bless, Arnya xx

    Liked by 2 people

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      1. I did look at that link when I visited your page. I wanted to comment but there was no where to comment.
        I have been skipping my Vitamin D for a few months now. Maybe it could help being I had just got my numbers coming up for the first time in years right before I started forgetting them.
        Thank you again, Arnya! May the Lord richly blesse you!

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    2. Oh bless you, Arnya! This is such a powerful edification! And after the day I have had it was like water on the desert! I just came back from an appointment that I “thought” I had, and “imagined’ a conversation with my therapist for a follow up. These medicines that I need for my spinal damage so I can walk and function are so strong. I had to get my son to drive.
      Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! How can I not be emboldened with such a fierce army of friends! And my Christ! The Victor who has ALREADY won! Praise our God in the highest! ❤

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  6. Amazing posts!!
    You know I always feel that if at all we could carry at least 1 thing to heavenly, I would have a huge write-up just to tell God about all kinds of experiences I have on this planet, joys, sorrows and much more.
    I hope the Almighty reads everything 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Praise the Lord He sees it all now! He is the whisper in our ear that gives the thought we have to write! But oh how He still loves to hear from His children… to watch the put effort into communicating with Him. He loves you and every word you have for Him. He loves your praises and cries! He loves to comfort and to celebrate! He loves everything about you, Natasha! ❤ Thank you for your kind words! 🙂

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  8. KJ Smith

    Gail, I’m sorry that you were having such a difficult day. From the looks of the comments, you have been bathed with encouragement and prayer. You can add my prayers to the waters!! We all need each other and I’m so glad you were able to express your feelings so openly and freely. So many times, I think we try to be strong and hide our weaknesses. At least, I know I do. But how can we find help, support or encouragement if we do not tell others we need it. It’s all part of being a family. God has you in His loving arms!

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Oh God bless you SO much, KJ! It was a challenging day, but you are so right. God so bathed me in such Godly love and mighty prayer warriors! Including yourself! I am definitely drinking from the springs of living water. ❤ I am so grateful to be a part of the family of God, and was just writing a post of the gift of kindness God has blessed me with through you each one! In wanting to tell you He has you in His arms too, you make me think of the song… "He's got the whole world in His hands." What a might God we serve!

      Liked by 1 person

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    1. PTL! What a lovely surprise! God is so kind yet again through you, my friend! Thank you for thinking of me! I will be sure to answer it as soon as the Lord allows! May God hug your spirit as He has used you to hug mine! ❤ God loves you, Lovely A!

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  10. Pingback: The Gift of Kindness – gaillovesgod

  11. Betcha Didn't know!

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not even necessary to remember everything. Just keep a notebook that you can take notes in to substitute the things you can’t remember. Use your mind to stop and smell the flowers and enjoy God’s love.😊

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. I thank God for your kind words. I do use a notebook and notes as much as possible, and that does help a lot. I just still forget a lot.
      But I love your idea of stopping to smell the flowers and enjoy God’s love! That’s what I try to do all day long. I love falling in love with Him more and more every day. Great advice, Coach! 😉 God bless you!

      Liked by 1 person

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  12. Pingback: Praise the Lord for 500 Followers on gaillovesgod – gaillovesgod

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