The Gift of Kindness

Dear Lord, how kind You’ve been to me through so many. I was writing to You the other day about Losing… It. I had a very challenging day because I am mixing up my appointments, my medicines, even my conversations. The next day was just as bad with my making it to an appointment I “didn’t have,” and “did not” have a follow up because I had “not” the conversation I thought I had with my therapist. At least I wasn’t missing one! 😉 I had to bring these things to You.

“If I be wicked, woe unto me; and if I be righteous, yet will I not lift up my head. I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction”
– Job 10:15 KJV
“In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion.”
– Psalm 71:1 KJV

It was all I could do to stay awake under the wheel. I had not eaten, so in trying to do so I found myself waking up choking on my food. This is where my son took the wheel, and kept an eye out on for me eating. Once we got home I was able to finish a part of my meal and fell asleep.

“There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God.”
– Hebrews 4:9 KJV

I slept from 6:30PM and woke up at 3:30am… without even a flinch. This is a big deal for me because of my struggle to sleep. It helped that my son had the night off, and I had no morning appointments. I used the bathroom, ate a bite to take more meds, and within in an hour fell asleep again until 9am. I awoke rested, and was able to rest peacefully for 3 hours while doing devotions and check in online. Oh did You allow the kindness to continue!

“And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.’
– 2 Peter 1:7 KJV

“Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.”
– 1 Thessalonians 5:11 KJV

So many kind and encouraging comments from others. Such emboldening comments from fierce prayer warriors and encouraging warriors! The battle that was waging on my behalf! Wow the thoughts I’m ashamed to say that were not in range, but You sure shot them my way with Denise, Piers, Arnya, Margaret, LaBranda, Natasha, Heather, KJ, Anita, and so many others through likes and e-mails. How delighted was my soul, lifted by Your loving edification. WordPress itself is filled with such a rich community of believers, and those who have chosen that good thing that will not be taken from them. They took the time to stop, listen, and encourage.

“And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”
– Luke 10:41-42 KJV

Being so rested actually makes me feel like I’m in a strange fog… like I’m out of place… and need to get myself together to be capable… and yet I feel too peaceful to rush just yet. How about we just led You lead, and trust the rest of the way to You. That sounds and feels much better. How about I follow Your wisdom. How about I just appreciate the abundant joy found in Your kindness, and in the kindnesses of those You send my way. You are so beautiful in all Your ways! Help me to trust them… always!

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”
– Proverbs 3:5 KJV
Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.”
– Proverbs 30:5 KJV

Losing… It!

I’m losing… it. The storehouse of faces I’ve loved. Those voices I once heard whispered in my ear. Those unmistakable laughs. Those unforgettable moments I was dying to tell. Those corny jokes told again and again, but I loved the one telling them. Those little arms that came along with little smiles and wide eyes. Those exciting and luring moments that seemed too hot to forget. And all of those things that made me who I am… by knowing who I am… and knowing who I am not. Memory. That’s my it. So when I say I am losing… it, I am not joking. I am losing… my memories. I am losing… me.

It sounds so selfish to say it like that. But, Lord, how can it be selfish to be concerned about my heath. It’s not healthy to lose everything you have done in me to make me who I am. I am going to lose all of that as well. I am losing the verses, the hymns, the parables, the commandments, and the beautiful love letter your Son left us in the book of John. Worst of all, I am losing everything I know about you, your Son, and your Holy Spirit. My reason for living.

My friends used to call me “human rewind”. I was the one who remembered birthdays, anniversaries, and even phone numbers and addresses long before cellphones. I could verbally playback songs, note for note, ooh ah for ooh ah. I made extra money on jobs because of articulation, pronunciation, accentuation, and remembering the details of products, customers, and all sorts of info. I was given leadership roles in work and college organizing resources of information because I had pleasure (really a need) to keep things in some form of order for immediate access.

By your grace, I memorized countless bible verses, even chapters. You allowed me to memorize the whole book of James. I knew the ten commandments fully. I knew the books of the bible, new and old, in chronological order. I learned so many hymns, in their entirety, not just their popularity. I was asked by church to do a writing ministry because I was already sending cards for birthdays, anniversaries, new babies, weddings, graduations, get wells, and just because. They offered to keep me in supply of stamps, cards, and whatever I needed as they handed me a directory and told me to let them know whenever I found mistakes.

Now… now I’m lucky if I can finish a conversation without fumbling, or rambling, forgetting, or sounding like the high school drop out I was (my high school teacher, who was teacher of the year with NCAE and our school several years running, urged me to quit school to get my G.E.D. and go on into college in fear I was getting bored with school), or a nervous rambling wreck unable to at least keep my focus on topic. I find it extremely hard to remember the simplest of things if they’re not written down. Even then, I have to remember they’re written down already, or at least put a note where I hope I will see it. And my editorial skills, well they speak for themselves.

Friends and family are hurt that I cannot remember their special days, even more by my asking them to write it down… again… and again. They are offended by my writing the same notes I have written again and again over very personal matters, some that they only entrusted to me. They ask me not to write any more. I have not been the one who everyone comes to for everything for quite some time. They no longer trust my wisdom, my confidentiality, or my ability to be genuine.

Most days, I am struggling with medications… having to take them, having to trust them, and having to be careful of them. A couple of years ago I only had a couple of prescriptions to take as needed, which wasn’t often. Now I take 9 to 11 on a daily basis. Some I take more than once a day. I have to be careful discussing this because we have family/friends we have to hide meds from. So I have to hide them and remember. I have to write down what I take so I can remember when they’re due, and catch myself before I accidentally take meds on top of each other, and sometimes when I have already taken them again it gives me a window of time… to know when I’ll be ok. As long as I get to write these things down, it helps.

Lord, it’s hard. It’s scary. It’s depressing. It makes it easy to give up, especially when I see the hurt I put on a face, or when I disappoint those I love, and I mean disappointment that sticks for life, the kind I know from my own personal experience, and to know there’s nothing I can do about it. On top of this, losses in my life and my family have been many and continue. The people who once asked me to let them help, or asked me to be their help are not here to vouch for what I’m like, what I eat, what I’m allergic to, what health issues I have, or anything else that I will eventually have no control over. My life will be at the mercy of strangers. All I can do is pray they are your strangers, with your wisdom, your compassion, and your favor.

How does all of this feel? That’s all anyone ever wants to know. Didn’t I just say that… hard, scary, depressing, easy to give up, helpless, hopeless, disappointing, lonely, frustrated, and there’s nothing I can do… but pray. And I do.

 

All About You

Lord, tonight as I was talking with a friend about my post Finding Myself in Lovely A’s 56 Questions, she was responding to my disclaimer. I had answered the questionnaire as coming to you because I genuinely needed you to clarify some things for myself, and Lovely A titled it Find Out Who You Are (56 Questions). I wanted to know who I am… in you. By your grace, you loving assured me I am who I am in you because of who you are in me. My heart was comforted. Margaret of The Word was so loving and supportive. I was glad to have someone genuinely understand that to not include you in everything feels like I am ignoring you. And then you reminded me!

Years ago I saw a skit. It started with someone who had a life without you that seemed like one big party for Mr. Popular, who realized he was wasting his life, and that none of his friends were genuine. They weren’t even really friends. Being brought to the foot of the cross, he gave his life to you and asked you to be his God… to save him from himself… and professed a genuine love for you. When he started walking in his new life, he also realized the neighbors who were always talking about you before his conversion were not as annoying as he thought. They were true friends in Christ.

He attended church, started to serve, and fellowshipped, and became pretty busy. The skit showed you going EVERY WHERE with him from the moment he gave his life to you. But then some old friends from his old life came to visit. As he saw who was at the door through the peep hole, he frantically tidied up and put you in the closet. You asked to meet his friends, but he said maybe next time. I’m new to living with you. I don’t know what they’ll say. You assured that his friends would love you. But he was afraid of offending his friends. The heart break expressed by the person playing your role definitely had you touching that moment. It broke my heart. I could hear moanings and groaning of those watching with me.

Soon this main character was leaving you at home because they were going somewhere they knew you wouldn’t want to be. They were going to the parties, and hanging out where horrible communication was being spoken. They were even misusing your name. It wasn’t good. You were so broken and spent every moment praying for him, and speaking love for him. Then it got worse. He began to miss church and lost the godly influence. And why was that possible when the church friends should have been visiting? Because they were having you sit in the closet or stay at home because they had so many responsibilities that they forgot to come to you to say hey, or even wait long enough for you to make out the door with them. The door was slammed in your face. Again me and the crowd were heart broken to see the face of the one playing you as that door shut in your face. And yet again… you were lovingly praying for them.

I’ve always remembered that skit, and have tried my best to make sure you were welcome wherever I went, in front of whoever I met, and that anyone who knew me were given an introduction and knew how important you are to me! I know I have not been perfect, and I have had my fair share of putting you in the closet, or leaving you at home (as if you are not with me always). I am so sorry for every moment I left you out. I do not look forward to offending my friends or defying strangers when we meet, but it’s vital to me to make sure you know how much I love you, and to make sure you are NEVER ignored, excluded, forgotten, insulted, mocked, or anything that would hurt you as you allowed that actor in the skit to display for you.

That is why I have always tried to make sure you are even a part of my email address, my FaceBook, WordPress Blog, my poetry, or anything as gaillovesgod. And not just try to include you, but to make sure that me and everyone I know understands that IT’S NOT ABOUT ME. IT’S ALL ABOUT MY LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST! Thank you for every prayer you have ever spoken on my behalf. Thank you for always being so thoughtful. Thank you for setting an example of love, forgiveness, and thoughtfulness for me. You are my perfect example! Help me to ALWAYS keep it all about you!

Thankful 2017.6 My Son Anthoni

Lord, There are not enough words in the universe to tell you how thankful I am for the gift you entrusted me with in my son, Anthoni (aka Inner Man Theatre)! You blessed me those pair of little arms, those beautiful brown eyes, that black curly hair, that precious smile, and loving little heart! I was always so grateful to be a mom from day one… and I still am!

Gailbaby.jpg

He’s all grown up, but he’s still my little man! Thank you for entrusting him to me. And thank you that he is Yours. He always has been, but I praise your Holy name that he gave his heart and life to you long ago! I know that I can trust him to you. I pray for him and his ministry… Inner Man Theatre.

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Thankful 2017.5 Prayer Warriors

Lord, tonight I am mindful to thank You for prayer warriors. I have a friend who wants me to go to a Christian Concert with her. As I was checking out the details online, as she had asked me to do, I called her to give her the needed info. She was having a very scary spell. She was having a racing heart rate and feeling pretty much like she did last year when she ended up in the hospital because she had passed out. They determined it was her heart. She was scared but doing a great job to intentionally calm herself. She was home alone for this moment. She wanted to avoid the hospital. So we talked for a bit. Then she went for a walk to wind down some more. When she returned we talked some more.
While she was on her walk, my stepdad prayed with me for her. He is such a prayer warrior. Day and night. If you ask him to pray, he stands, sometimes takes your hand, and takes a name before Your throne. No hesitation. No timidity. He prays. He praises. He trusts You to answer before he is even finished praying. I thank You for prayer warriors, and for allowing me the privilege to be one. May I always trust everything and everyone to You! And as I close this note, I pray for her again. Look after her, Lord. You are her comfort, and her healing. We trust in Your name, in Your Word, and in Your promises. In Jesus’ loving name, Amen.