Lord, what a fight. Such a stormy sea within. Billowing winds. Tossing waves. And I have no idea if this is a storm you want me to ride out instead of causing you to say, “O ye of little faith.” At least there’s a little. Enough to come to you in case this is not you, so that you can calm the sea… even rebuke it. And what if it is simply just happening… this scary fear… this fear to move… the fear of doing anything else until I get this straightened out. But what?? Straighten what out??
And there are my medications. They can ease anxiety, lift depression, and totally alter my mind. It’s hard sometimes to know the difference between what’s just getting the best of me, is explainable because of medicines, or is Spiritual Warfare. Soon doubt makes me question if you appreciate my brain being on these drugs. Yet I followed you in prayer over my health, my doctors, and trusting the doctors you gave me. I know you gift doctors and scientists the grace to allow comfort and healing. It’s my weary and fearful mind that I don’t understand. Which makes me think on Luke 5:31,
“And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick.”
My mind is not whole, nor a great deal of my body. My spine and neurological system alone are so sick that without the doctors and medicines you provide I would not be walking, standing, or even sitting without severe pain. Some days the chemicals are stronger than the pain and confusion. Other days the pain and confusion are nothing to contend with. In all of these days, I solely rely on you to work through whatever resources you provide, or simply to be my faithful compassionate companion.
Every line I write is a struggle to complete and not delete, partly because I do not want to make you look bad, and partly because I NEED to talk this out with you. I NEED to be able to come to you with even my fears, so that you can help me deal with them. Fear can be our enemy, but you can use it to draw us near. I choose to draw near. And as I do I cling to your Holy Word that tells me,
“Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh.”
Proverbs 3:25 KJV
So I simply finish with choosing to embrace my fear, though I still don’t understand it. I choose to praise you with a song you have comforted me with time and time again because every word of it is true. Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus.
I know that when I look full in your wonderful face that the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of your glory and grace. Your Word will not fail me. You promised! And I believe! ❤