Finally in July of 2015, I gave in. I was taking care of my mom and stepdad, with whom I lived. Mom was house ridden, nearing bedridden, with end stage kidney disease, end stage liver disease, diabetes, congestive heart failure, COPD, severe sleep apnea, a lot of digestive and spinal issues. My stepdad had a stroke that April. We were fighting bed bugs, couldn’t use our vehicles because of the bugs, so we could not get out. I was out of church for quite awhile. My siblings came by at times but it usually resulted in telling everyone that it was all in my head, bugs and all. I could not sleep for days on end, and when I did it was falling asleep in a chair for MAYBE 3 hours. I had even began taking so many medicines for my own health issues, and even though some were sleep inducing, I could not sleep. Even though the bug issue had been taken care of, I had even developed anxiety that would cause my skin to itch or act as though I were still having bites, even leaving the marks. So I gave in.
It did help more than I can say. I was surprised what I was able to recognize in what seemed to be every day stress, as unbelievable anxiety. Now life did not cut me a break by getting easier. Any of you who know my mom, how she was, her illness, her passing and all of the other lovely stuff that has come and or continues, know that life did not become a bed of roses. But you know, most people are deceived into thinking that a bed of roses is all we need. They forget about the thorns. And what if you have allergies. And those roses do wilt and die. Especially if they are real, and eventually face their own winter.
As my health continues to be a struggle for me and my doctors, the anxiety tends to get a lot of the blame, and then my anxiety does become the problem. I even have the depression that inevitably seems to be partner in crime to anxiety. My doctors have me playing around with different medicines, making changes here and there. Counseling seems to be the most effective for me. I actually began to sleep this last fall when I had my 1st spinal block, but counseling seems to help me better balance my thinking, which allows me to better recognize when my anxiety is getting the best of me, when my anxiety is quite normal and very related to my health issues and/or the meds, and comes alongside me to help keep that balance, and in the end better communicate with my doctors. That communication is key in all of this. In the few incidents I have shared, you can see where a breakdown of communication did not help, and where making an effort to communicate made such a difference.
Lastly, I want to apologize to my friend who encouraged me to do this post challenge. Because of my anxiety (and the depression sometimes) I easily thought that what I said was better off not said for the benefit of others. So when I saw her posting about her recent stay at a facility, her mental illness, her struggle with anxiety, with depression, and even suicide I was so taken back. I was horrified for her because while I did not know her situation, I did know the struggle. I related to so much of what she said. I was so afraid anything I said would be a bad influence, insensitive, or just not good for her. I was also afraid to admit to her my own problems, not because so much of shame as it was that I did not want to burden her on top of the burden she already carried. I love her with all of my heart and would not want to hurt her in any way. So I prayed, and encouraged wherever the Lord would allow.
Having said that, I pray for any of you struggling with anxiety. I know the Lord tells us in Philippians 4:6, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God,” and that we are told by bible scholars that means “be anxious for nothing”, but God also tell us in Proverbs 3:25 “Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh.” Proverbs 1:27, “When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you.” Those verses show God knows, even expects us to fear at times, but lovingly encourages us to trust Him with even our anxiety.
There are verses all over the bible dealing with sudden fear, distress, and fear itself. God knew we were human and prone to be anxious, and sent us an abundance of scripture to comfort us. And Jesus himself suffered his own anxiety, “And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.” (Luke 22:44). We can remember that Jesus was a Holy God who never sinned, but we easily forget that He had taken on human flesh to show us He was willing to experience what we experience. And He experienced being “exceeding sorrowful unto death”(Mark 14:33) when He “fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him.” (Mark 14:34 KJV). So when you have your challenges with anxiety, remember Jesus did too. He knows what you’re going through, and He cares! He loves you!