Don’t Even Consider It

Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. – Isaiah 43:18 KJV

Good late afternoon. I’ve been trying to read with God, although the hours brought many distractions. As I was thinking how things are so different since so many family and friends have died, little pieces of the past kept emerging in physical form. There were memories, notes, and legal documents. This all while even my reading was on… the past.

God used to communicate to us through our fathers and the prophets, but now he speaks to us through his son Jesus Christ.
God, who at sundry times and in divers manners spake in time past unto the fathers by the prophets, Hath in these last days spoken unto us by his Son, whom he hath appointed heir of all things, by whom also he made the worlds” – Hebrews 1:1-2 KJV.
There is hope in things learned from our past, from his word, and his communication.
For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope. – Romans 15:4.
There is recognition in Song of Solomon 2:11-12 of hardships and pain that have poured down like rain, but that those storms are gone. Spring is bringing new life. For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land.

I was trying not to dwell on these physical memories, but started thinking maybe I wasn’t supposed to dwell but I should consider them. So as I finished reading, I stopped to consider them. Looking them over only confirmed what GOD was clearly telling me. The verse in the study used another version and simply said to not dwell. God led me to look the verses up in the KJV. To my surprise God was clear NOT TO EVEN CONSIDER the things of old. It is the Isaiah 43:18 verse posted at the beginning of this note.

Had I listened to God’s voice (the word is God talking to us), I would not have seen a particular item that caught my attention and absolutely started me dwelling on a question that can only be answered by God. (I will make another blog on that some time.) However, I believed at the time I was also doing it to consider the individual working so hard to clean things out. I didn’t want them to think I was trying to ignore them or did not care about all of their hard work. After seeing God said not to consider the things of old, I again just looked over the things to make that person happy but am trying to keep my mind on the present… the new. What was that for me? Well for one thing it was to finish that time with the Lord and get a blog on it while thinking on it from God’s perspective.

Items will continue to be discovered as the cleaning process takes awhile. It’s a combination of a loved one gone who was such a hoarder, a family who has scattered to so many places in so many directions but somehow had their things end up stored away in the same place.  Each day is new and uncertain. We have no idea what God has planned for us. We need to be ready. We need to be prepared. We need to live where God has placed us this moment. Tomorrow can change everything… who’s here and who’s not, our address, our health, our careers, even our relationship with God. Lord willing, we will put our focus on that. He is top priority.
God, I think I hear you. I think I’m paying attention. Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. I don’t need to drag the past with me. I need all the strength that today will require, that I might glorify your name in every way.

Jesus in Agony – Luke 22:44 KJV

And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground. – Luke 22:44 KJV

I’m a little behind on blogging, but to still be doing it at all is progress. My mind is so distracted with other things and other people. As I was giving God my time first this morning, Luke 22:44 grasped my heart. I remembered the word agony in this verse being pointed out in a bible study once. I had read it before but for some reason I had allowed myself to forget that Jesus did not suffer (allow) His pain heroically like we like to preach and teach. It was heroic to do what He was doing, but the whole purpose of it was to suffer “as we do”… to show us He is not “above” feeling pain like we do.

We are romantic in wishing for a story of a God who could suffer like He’s just walking through the park, but then not only would it not be genuine suffering, it would be discrediting the God who says He loves us, and showed us by sending His only Son. But being away from His Son isn’t good enough. To watch His ONLY Son agonize in pain is what gets our attention. We soon feel qualified to stamp him as “actually hurting” and MAYBE He “actually cares”. But then we can still think, “But it’s not MY situation, so it’s either not enough, or just not the same.” What agony WE must put our Jesus through. What agony must we give His Father.

As I am thinking of all this, I can’t help but think of a family member who has said time and time again… “He hasn’t suffered like I do. He doesn’t know what suffering is.” He has even thrown the F word to Him, even using His own Father’s name to Him. Yet God was long suffering and allowed that family member to live through a time that he came so close to dying that we were called several times to stand and watch as his body fought so hard… whether to live or to die is hard to say now that he is well alive. He later had moments of saying he loved God and was sorry, but really never could grasp what Jesus went through for him. Part of this was because of his mental illness that did not allow him to care for ANYone above himself. Part of this was because of his upbringing teaching him to be like that, and his environment telling him he has the right to be whomever he wants (when what they were really saying was, if you change it makes us look bad so stay like you are to make us look good without having to be good).

Now… this family member is facing death again. The papers have been signed to begin his journey through the valley of the shadow of death… except I don’t think this will be a shadow. It IS the valley of death. Only God knows what is going to happen in the end… and after. While I cannot know 100% sure that he will be in heaven, I cannot know 100% that he won’t. That is what the Lord gives me as I think on this word agony. I also think of my brother who is going through so much of his own hardship. He is and will be suffering the agony of losing someone so close to him, all while he is suffering cancer himself, and will suffer surgery to attempt to remove it WHILE in the process of losing that loved one. Jesus agonized for my brother too. He agonized for each one of us.

What God so desperately wants us to remember is His Son suffered… for us… His ONLY Son. He wants us to know it was so that we would know He does love us and cares that we suffer. But whether we can grasp it or not, believe it or not, or care or not…. we need to remember! We need to remember that Jesus suffered… in agony… alone… with great drops of SWEAT… that were like drops of blood. May you remember what Jesus agonized for you. May you know that whatever you agonize over… He cares! And whether you do or not… may you never forget… Jesus agonized!

Leaving Things as They Are

Well, it’s been days, and as uncomfortable as the idea is I will leave the original post up, and whatever I have blogged since. While I have a tendency to regret saying some things, especially out loud, it is what it is. A testimony is not true unless it shows the progression of healing, and what the change and/or progress is. And praise God there is always the power of delete! 🙂
So much is on my mind, but it is hard to get it out. SO with that said, I will try to leave a verse or something. If the Lord gives me a thought to share with you, I will do that as well. I prefer keeping it about him anyway!
“Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh.
For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.”
– Proverbs 3:25-26 KJV
SO often I need this verse and praise God for giving it to me. Anxiety is not a fun experience, whether it be what is called natural or what is called clinical. I call it cruelty. Oh, I realize people love the anxiety of roller coasters and haunted houses, but they’re not my thing. Anxiety has plagued me since I was in the hospital years ago for a cesarean. The trauma my body experienced caused a natural anxiety, but the complete ignorance of sudden fear caused an anxiety that has carried with me through life. A nurse laughing at me when I was distressed instead of helping me instilled a lack of trust when at the mercy of others having control of my life, or having no mercy when I simply cannot control it.
Initially, I struggled very hard with it to the point of hyperventilating. As God sent me compassionate counselling with wisdom that educated me, I grew. Yet even more so, my relationship with God grew. As I grew to know him more and trust him more, he gave me a peace that passes all understanding. Now I still struggle with anxiety. I even take an antidepressant now, but what my medicine cannot do physically, my God does in ALL aspects. And the only side effect… more peace… more wisdom… more understanding… more love! And he loves you too!

A New Post?

Is really new to say the same old cliche… I’m still a work in progress? Well anyway, my blog is too. Every day is a day in progress. Everything is in progress, as long as it’s not dying or dead. But even then… we all continue somewhere.
Lord, I pray for your will and your guidance. This is YOUR blog. This is YOUR testimony. Even if it’s my life, YOU gave it to me, and allowed it to be the way it was. Only YOU know how it will end. No matter what… I LOVE YOU!

gaillovesgod

And…. here we go again. Attempting to do another blog. An attempt at putting together my testimony to leave behind… and share while I am here. Praying that my testimony praises my God for what he has done for me throughout my life, and continues to do now. I have attempted to do a couple of them before but never can find the page again, or as with Myspace… lost access when the space was exiled. I do still have my poetry page on Google with a brief testimony for when addressing someone with what it meant for Jesus to come into my life. It was even originally made to be public for anyone and everyone, as opposed to my private FB account, but eventually I made a little security to keep the ranters and haters out, but then made it to where no one can even comment because of family. I do have a separate poetry page as well in a private group on my FB called Gail’s Poetry, but I have to invite anyone. It’s really to keep from filling up the news feeds too much.

This blog is an attempt to more honest and open, as that has become my biggest hindrance… in writing… speaking… thinking… communicating… socializing… living. For the earliest part of my life through my early twenties I was always a VERY quiet person, kept to myself, not  speaking, but using one word to answer (literally if I could get away with it, and usually did), and spoke only the needed answer. That all changed in the early 1990’s. What happened, you ask? Life! It’s not like I didn’t have enough to talk about already. It’s just all of the tragedy and danger of my childhood always called for silence to survive, along with making no sign of emotion. If people could figure out my thoughts and feelings, they used them against me… to protect themselves and to gain more access to more power. In 1990, I discovered talking as a way to get through dangerous situations, and learned that it could keep people away. The more I escaped having to worry all the time, the more I awakened.

That’s right. Gail awakened. Life before that was just life. I would say it was about trying to survive, but I didn’t even know I was trying to survive. I didn’t even know I was in danger. Not only did I not realize that things that weren’t right were not normal, I didn’t even know I was here… literally. Death had been just as much an occupant in my life as people that I knew as family. That will make for a blog or two some time. For now, this is to get this page started. The hardest part is being honest. I have never wanted to shame my dad, my mom, or any of my family and friends. Telling my testimony, sharing what God has brought me through, even as a summary does that. With both of my parents  now deceased, my grandparents, brother, so many family and friends, I still do not wish to shame them, but I know that they will not have to take it personally or ask me to change my mind when they themselves encouraged me to write, to tell it like it really is, and to not be ashamed. They were ALL supportive of my writing and were so proud of me. That was the word they used.

But it will still be a struggle as nowadays I have family that gets so mad at ANYthing I say… literally. If I write a personal FB post, they get so upset. Also, the last time I attempted to “tell my testimony” as the churches so passionately preach, I was told it was too inappropriate for church. That it needed to be cleaned up. I don’t use foul language or anything like that, but sex has been a part of my life since I was 3 years old. That’s the earliest I can remember anyway. Yes it’s disgusting to mention a 3 year being molested, but how do you think the 3yr old felt… and wouldn’t you like to know the beautiful purity God has restored for her? So please pray for me. I do not wish to offend God or fellow believers. If it is my responsibility to give God all of His glory for my testimony, then He deserves every bit of truth. Every time these subjects have come up in life, those going through the same thing (nonbelievers at that) are always telling me they wished I would tell my story, that someone from the church needs to be honest. That there are so many people who will never see a church, and there are few people who will be honest about their testimony.

Lastly for this post, let me just that yes, I did notice my bad grammar, punctuation, and possibly misspelled words. But that’s just me. You wouldn’t know that I graduated from 2 colleges…. AB-Tech with an A.A. (Pre-Liberal Arts) Degree, and from Montreat with a B.A. (English Literature). What an insult to them, but this blog is about… my testimony is… gaillovesgod! Cause that’s what my life has ALWAYS been about. Yes God was the one doing the loving me until I had a chance to meet him, but that is what a relationship with Jesus is all about. We love Him because He first loved us.

So until next time… I leave this post to start. I don’t intend to add anyone right now unless they ASK to be added so that I can have time to figure out what I am going to do if those family members read. Eventually my testimony is meant to be public. And I have to tell the ugly so that God can get the glory for the restoration. There are so many people hurting and going through the same… or worse. They need to know someone loves them, and they need to know it’s God. They need to know that loving Him is NOT going to take the pains of life or the possibility… the LIKELIHOOD of more tragedy. But they can know that going through it with Jesus makes ALL the difference in the world. And the best part is that I can’t wait to get to the part of the testimony where I get to share what He gives me, bless me with, and so much more NOW… every day… just by being Himself!